Bring out your dead!!!

In my lifetime a Zombie apocalypse is most assuredly going to happen, and when it does I shall be ready for it. I say this with the same level of confidence I normally reserve for knowing that if I am ever aboard a commercial flight whereby both pilots have succumbed to Acute Bavarian Diverticulitis, I will be able to ease behind the controls and bring that puppy in, all 200 tons with souls on board unscathed. How? Simple...I own a pirated copy of MS FLIGHT SIM 2003. As far as zombies are concerned, that's mere child's play in comparison. Zombies, (Walkers, for you purists,)are simple creatures with traits that require specific rules of engagement. Once all of those rules are clearly understood, surviving is limited by only ones creativity and preparation. But how does one prepare? Movies. Lot's of 'em.Since the first time I saw Barbara laugh off the warning..."they're coming to get you...!!!" I was hooked on all living dead. I'm far from alone. Zombies seemingly have become the hottest cold cut the little shop of horrors we call Hollywood has to offer, and based on all things undead out there, we don't seem to be leaving the menu any time soon. YUM! I have been wondering lately why zombies seem to be so popular, and I have a theory. We can probably thank sexy vampire movies with stories revolving around horny supernatural monster teens trying to get in the pants of vapid valley girl ho-bags. Team Dumbass, anyone? For the rest of us post pubescent non female types, zombies not only appeal to us on a horror level but fend off any wandering interlopers from the Twilight camp with an effective display of shotgun blasts, splattered blood and rotting flesh. It's a win win, and operates on the same principal as offensive odors emanating from one's man cave. Enter at your own risk.Zombie flicks have come a long way since the original life challenged wobblers first whined for "Braiiiinnnnnsssss..."in the 60's. With each movie borrowing or expanding on a previous idea, zombies have evolved, devolved and changed countless times, with few exceptions, but almost all are defined by the following rules. 1. Zombies may not all eat brains to survive, but they do need them to walk. A head shot is the only way to take one down.2. They were dead before zombification, and not just Princess Bride "mostly dead", but dead-dead. 3. They infect others with a bite, usually while trying to eat the victim.4. Zombies attack the living only...not each other. 5. Loosely placed boards over windows and doors can keep them out of buildings.* 6. They must eat constantly, and are never not hungry. 7. All zombies are mindless...devoid of emotion or reasoning. (* All makeshift barricades will fail over time. Usually moments after a plan is hatched to escape the building before they get in. ) Luke and I spent this fall eagerly awaiting Sunday evenings, when we could turn off the lights, sit on the floor in front of the couch and catch the latest episode of "The Walking Dead" season 2, on AMC. (This was officially season one for Luke, since I had decided it was only right to keep him from such nightmarish images until he was at least 12, or until he could successfully pass level 6 in CALL OF DUTY Modern Warfare/Zombies. Being father of the year? work work work.)Suffice it to say we have been marinating in the rotting entrails of the undead for long enough to know how to handle any world wide outbreak that might spread. Luke is the sniper and weapons expert, (NERF,all models) I have the home front, and the girls? They are in charge of eye rolling and wandering off to catch up on Barbies and Real Housewives. As for the rest; 1. The house...We live inside a Boulder with windows. The outside walls are 10 inch thick formed concrete. Covered in small granulated stone flake, they are solid, abrasive and awesome. Any zombie trying to gnaw his way thru them will be turned to grated zombie Parmesan. 2. The Windows...Standard 2 pane brittle cracked old house glass, incapable of not breaking all by themselves for no good reason, let alone under the strain of hordes of brain munchers. No worries...we have...3. Scrap wood. I have a garage full. As any zombie aficionado is aware, the standard method of sealing off entrances to a residence during a crisis is hurriedly, with a tack hammer, bent rusted nails and scrap wood. Check check and check-4. Duct tape. A few years ago, I took a free CERT course given by homeland security here in Palatine. It was during that class that we learned what all the fuss was about duct tape. Using it to seal off cracks in the windows and doors keeps out any potential gasses and viruses let loose accidentally or by terrorists. Since BOTH are the preferred method by which all zombie apocalypses start...we are safe. I have 40 rolls.Now it's simply a matter of waiting for it all to go down...and when it does, look for us to be on the roof, giddily taking out the neighborhood, one walker at a time.

Cleveland, Ohio

Cleveland is a strange and depressing place. People seem to move about the city with sort of a bewildered amble, as if they can't believe they got left behind. There is no polish here. It is rust stained concrete and old timey looking store fronts. There are loading docks and warehouses and mismatched architecture and weeds. It reminds me of my grandfathers basement workshop in a way. A lot of old but useful and needful things, hoping to be remembered. Faded signs and ancient streetlights hang overhead. Below, cracked pavement and patched potholes obscuring traffic lanes. Some of the streets wind around small valleys which seem to promise a view as you approach, then pull a bait and switch when you arrive and show instead the skeletons of some industry left to decay. There are car shops and muffler shops and submarine sandwich places everywhere, broken up by the occasional shot and a beer joint. Kids leaving school do so in a hurry, loudly bypassing the playgrounds and disappearing into the folds of the neighborhood. There may be a vibrant nightlife here, but it was planted here, like a pacemaker in a damaged heart. Nothing here is dying, but nothing feels really alive.

Farewell Steve Jobs

And thank you...

Bridgets. 9th B day sleepover

D R A M A. omg