A Festivus for the rest of us!

"I find tinsel distracting"
Frank Costanza

'Tis the season, folks. Time to take pen to paper(does anyone do that anymore?) once again and draft up another long winded diatribe about the family, kids, job and any other witless commentary for the reading pleasure of extended family members whom I only keep in touch with by...you guessed it..
THE CHRISTMAS LETTER OF DOOOOOM!!!!
Moments from now I shall lock myself away in the secret family vault, turn on the exhaust fan and begin to pontificate at great length. Shortly therafter I plan to get to work on the letter BUT, until then, here's LAST YEAR'S letter for your enjoyment. If this doesnt just STINK of holiday spirit I dunno what does. Merry Christmas, humans!

12/20/03
Happy Holidays...
This Christmas, add one more thing to be thankful for: Santa is for children and children alone. Things might be different if adults had their way…
NORTH POLE PINK SLIPS HAVE 20,000 SEEING RED
NORTH POLE (REUTERS)-Sat November 29, 04:48 PM ET by Kidcubfan
Santa Claus, the world renowned philanthropist and beloved Christmas season icon, has announced through his legal department that North Pole inc. and their parent company, PolarWireless.com, is shuttering the famed arctic workshop and will begin the layoffs of 19,726 employees immediately after the upcoming holiday season. Blaming a sagging economy, rising manufacturing costs and recent labor disputes, the law firm of Rankin Bass Cornelius says the entire operation will be moved to Mexico by January 16th, 2004. Another source confirms the move, but says while the manufacturing sector will be relocated the home office will remain at the original remote location.
The transition was announced last Wednesday during an emergency union meeting called by Hermey Elf, president of NOME local 1225. NOME, or National Organization of Magical Elves, stated in a letter that the locals had long suspected recent decisions to sell the family owned business and naming rights to corporate interests had been just the beginning of many changes to the ancient institution. “It stinks. Just plain and simple, it stinks” said Hermey in a statement after the announcement. “We bust our little butts for a couple hundred years, and this is the thanks we get. Ho-ho-ho my [expletive deleted]”
Other critics of the decision picketed outside the front gates of the famed village well into the night, until freezing temperatures moved the protest indoors. Some attending the rally said they weren’t surprised at all. “We saw this coming thirty, forty years ago maybe” Said Clem Calhoun, a former Santa’s helper. “I told ‘em way back, no kids like that hand carved stuff anymore. They all want that electronic garbage and whatnot, but he [Santa] wouldn’t listen. He canned me on the spot. Just as well, he pays next to nuttin’ anyway.”
A. Bominable, head of security for the company, also claimed Santa’s problems started in the late sixties, but placed the onus on the elves themselves. “The little guys couldn’t get it together and the work suffered. Aside from using genetically altered red-nosed freaky reindeer every time it got foggy, we were churning out jelly filled water pistols, trains with square wheels, dolls with psychological issues, and these Jack-In-The-Boxes named Charlie, for Pete’s sake. We even had one little guy get so fed up he quit to become a dentist or something. I never liked that guy, we had a run in once, and nothing was ever the same since.”
Sebastian H. Miser of North Pole Investments placed the blame squarely on a poor business model.
“You have on one hand a factory that handles over nine and a half billion requests for products every year, which is a good thing, but on the other hand you have no revenue whatsoever.” Recent financial reports listed milk and cookies as the only known source of income.
“Balderdash!” said Hermey of both claims. “We never had any revenue before, non profit all the way. This is all about selling out to corporate interests. But I don’t think this will go through now that the word is out. I’ve seen worse, way worse. I was there for the ‘misfit toy years’… I was a ‘misfit’ myself, but we pulled through. And as far as the dentist comment goes, I gave it my best shot, but I’d like to see anyone who’s three feet tall make it in that profession. At least I have something to fall back on if we do close this shop for good. I can’t say that for most of these guys.”

In an unrelated incident that same day, PeTA members protested the “captivity” of Santa’s famed flying reindeer outside the enchanted village, saying that “slave labor” sends the wrong message to children around the world. One PeTA member, Alfalfa Burkenstock, had stripped nude in -20 degree weather and displayed signs reading “Santa hurts animals” and “If GOD wanted reindeer to fly he would have given them WINGS!” Mr. Claus himself could not be reached for comment.

Sick

Did I mention there was a reason we didnt make the playoffs?
Did I mention I'm Cub fan?
Were you afraid I was forgetting about my obsession?
Here...to recap

No Mark Prior to start the season...and
Date Player Injury

9/28/04 Ramon Martinez Placed on the 15-day disabled list (retroactive to Sept. 16) with a left groin strain.

9/6/04 Joe Borowski Transferred to the 60-day disabled list.

9/2/04 Todd Hollandsworth Transferred from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list.

8/28/04 Kyle Farnsworth Placed on the 15-day disabled list with a bruised and sprained right knee.

7/3/04 Todd Hollandsworth Placed on the 15-day disabled list with a right shin contusion retroactive to June 28.

6/27/04 Mike Remlinger Placed on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to June 24 with tendinitis in his left shoulder.

6/11/04 Tom Goodwin Activated from the 15-day disabled list.

6/6/04 Joe Borowski Placed on the 15-day disabled list.

6/4/04 Alex Gonzalez Transferred from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list.

5/28/04 Todd Wellemeyer Placed on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 22, with a right shoulder strain.

Tom Goodwin Placed on the 15-day DL, retroactive to May 24, with a right groin strain.

Mark Grudzielanek Transferred from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list.

5/20/04 Kerry Wood Placed on 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 12, with a sore right triceps

5/19/04 Sammy Sosa Placed on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 16, with a sprained ligament in his lower back.

5/6/04 Alex Gonzalez Placed on the 15-day disabled list with a broken right wrist.

Mark Prior Transferred from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list.

4/13/04 Mark Grudzielanek Placed on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to April 10 (partial tear right Achilles).

4/4/04 Jose Macias Placed on the 15-day disabled list with a torn meniscus in his right knee.


Boooyah.

Thanks, "Girls"

No matter what Mapquest says and regardless of how many times I have taken the trip in the past, the trip from our front door to Ludington Michigan takes four hours. Period. It makes no difference to me that the trip actually takes 5, sometimes 5 and a half hours...four is all I can take driving a car and so four it is. Jill and I packed up the car with two bags of clothes, Lukes suitcase full of toys (all 36 pounds worth)Aunt Gin's gifts, various this and thats, two kids, one dog and a cooler full of juice boxes and pop. We left last friday after I got home from work, and although we wanted to get going by 6pm, we didnt hit the highway until well after 7. Good news, we missed rush hour, bad news is it took an hour and a half just to get out of Illinois regardless. But once on the road I settled in to the drive and I'm happy to say that the entire trip was uneventful, particularily with regards to my strange anxiety "attacks" I have experienced in the past. They are a real pain in the butt, and are completely comprised of the anxiety you experience hoping they dont come in the first place. Nice little psycho catch-22. Once I figured that part out, I can pretty easily shrug the urge to have one off. Strange the effects quitting smoking has on you. It will be a year in December.
We arrived in Ludington with 2 snoring kids and one freaked out dog. Charlie seemingly inherited my anxiety...or he just didnt know what to make of being in a car so long. He spent the first hour whimpering and pawing Jills lap, the rest of the way he curled up at her feet and stayed put. Both Barb and Gin were wide awake when we pulled up, not surprisingly, and we spent the better part of the next 2 hours showing off the kids. Bridget went from zero to Shirley Temple in no time flat, while Luke, now completly out of his shell and willing to engage anyone as long as they check out his Yu-Gi-Oh collection, was busy unloading his suitcase full of toys. The kid makes Carrot-top look like a piker.
We had a great stay, Luke got to shop at the Dollar store (his main objective) I got to sleep in the "Mooshigan" bed (No more comfortable or hard to get out of bed in the whole wide universe Barb, thankyouverymuch)Jill got to connect with family, albeit mine but hey, and Bridget got to spend time with her two newest fanclub members, even gracing them with a song or two. Or three. The "Girls" as they have come to be known are doing great, and like Jill said on the way home, it's good to connect with family. She gets that chance every day, 36 times some days...me notsomuch.
So if you are reading this, I love you both very much, and thanks for the love I get back, especially the way you love our kids, it means the world to all of us.
Bless you both and Happy 80th Gin, many more to come!

"FREEZE, you might be arrested, just...gimme a sec..."

Dear God, here we go...
Resident house-frow and cold-as-ice Attorney General Lisa "Mad-again" has asked justices in her first supreme court appearance to let police use dogs to sniff outside people's cars for drugs -- even if the motorists are stopped merely for speeding or some other non-drug offense. The ACLU argues that this violates the 4th amendment rights of search and seuzure, but Lisa, being oh so very smart had a reply. The dogs only sniff the air outside the car...so no rights are violated. OH WAIT, it gets better, when challenged with the argument that officers could simply walk up and down the street sniffing houses at random, Liza laughed it off saying not to worry, no police department has the man power for that.
So, in her opinion, if they did, it would be ok?
Nice.
This, people, is compassionate conservitism. This, is the "moral" majority. THIS BITCH is an example of the lunacy this country crapped forth into power. We are in for a bad, bad four years. What, you ask, does SHE have to do with our current administration? Everything, and if you can draw the parrallel lines, you probably voted for Kerry. If, however, you have spent more time wiping drool off of the keyboard than reading this, you voted for the president you deserve.
Welcome,back my friends, to the show that never ends. Were so glad you could attend, now HOLD ON TO YOUR ASS, cuz the new world order has taken over.

Iraq declares "state of emergency..."

Yeah, no shit. And in related news, Alaska just declared a state of snow. Id just like to take a moment to post the lyrics from a song by a band who feels the same way I do. I give you "The Idiots are taking over" by NOFX- it really says it all.


It’s not the right time to be sober
Now the idiots have taken over
Spreading like a social cancer, is there an answer?

Mensa membership exceeding
Tell me why and how are all the stupid people breeding
Watson, it’s really elementary
The industrial revolution
Has flipped the bitch on evolution
The benevolent and wise are being cornered, ostracized, what a bummer
The world keeps getting dumber
Insensitivity is standard and faith is being fancied over reason

Darwin’s rollin over in his coffin
The fittest are surviving much less often
Now everything seems to be reversing, and it’s worsening
Someone plopped a steamer in the gene pool
Now angry mob mentality’s no longer the exception, it’s the rule
And I’m startin to feel a lot like Charlton Heston
Stranded on a primate planet
Apes and orangutans that ran it to the ground
With generals and the armies that obeyed them
Followers following fables
Philosophies that enable them to rule without regard

There’s no point for democracy when ignorance is celebrated
Political scientists think the same one vote that some monkeys are inbred
Majority rule, don’t work in mental institutions
Sometimes the smallest softest voice carries the grand biggest solutions

What are we left with?
A nation of god-fearing pregnant nationalists
Who feel it’s their duty to populate the homeland
Pass on traditions
How to get ahead religions
And prosperity be a symbol to culture

The idiots are takin over

Enjoy the show folks, Sorry, there is no intermission.

When will I learn?

Every fall I tell myself to just rake the leaves and leave the leaf blower alone and every year I find myself walking around our yard blasting the brown crunchies all over the place except for the place I want them to go. Today was no different, but I did manage to blast the leaves, water and gunk out of the gutters which is always kinda fun, and much easier than the gag inducing older method of scooping out handfuls of soaked and rotting mother nature vomit and plopping it into a bucket.
Luke saw the ladder against the house and wanted to go up on the roof, so up we went. He was thrilled, and I even lowered my guard enough to let go of his hand for a few seconds. Now he knows what the neighbors roof looks like, and I imagine he will miss no opportunities to brag about it for the next month.

Here's your hat what's your hurry.

Two mini-posts for the price of one.

John Ashcroft is considering stepping down from the coveted post of head super spy in charge of all things secret and sneaky. No word yet as to a possible replacement, but apparently there seems to be no shortage of "Frank Burns" type paranoids running around this great country. Expect deeper infringements on what's left of your freedoms and privacy.

WAY TO GO, GREG!
Yes, this is supposed to be a Cubs blog. Recent events, however, have directed my attention elsewhere, so back to the Cubs for just a moment. Greg won yet another Golden Glove, making this 14.
Way to go, many more.

I'm 51% CERTAIN: We...are... screwed.

Well, so much for the next four years, and who knows how many after that. The nice thing about this being MY blog is I get to utilize my CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED OPINION any way I please without pesky rebuttal from the crazy, whacked out far right wing neo-conservative war mongering wealthy republicans currently squirming around this country like a maggot ridden festering wound. Sorry, maybe that was too harsh. I should delete "neo."
Allow me to lay this out before anything else so that there is no confusion whatsoever. I did not vote for Bush. I know, hard to believe, but true.
I did not vote for him for a few very specific reasons, the most important being that he is him. I mean, he is who he is, which is him and hes a him I don't like all too very much.
In plain English, and in my opinion, he's a slack jawed mouth breather with less than adequate IQ to hold a bowling ball much less a public office.
I know there is some debate as to whether he is intelligent or not. But again, this being my blog I get to write what I want and otherwise don't care what dumb people think of other dummies. See how this works? About a smidge less fair and balanced than FOX news, who by the way had Bush as the winner by a margin of SCHVIVTY FIVE point ELEVENTY SEVEN electoral votes as early as last June, and Kerry as the loser by a margin of ALL THE PEOPLE OF THE U.S.A.
Yeah,fair and balanced as a gypsy whorehouse.
Bottom line is this: Bush called himself a "uniter" not a "divider" then went on to wage a WAR that nobody agreed with against a country that didn't deserve it for reasons he pulled out of his ass-wait, sorry, reasons he pulled out of other peoples asses- Trying to be fair...and proceeded to shove down the throats of the cowards and feeble minded who think that changing president mid-war would anger the boogie men.
This country, along with this world, is divided so far beyond simple repair that it may take every ounce of goodwill the USA can muster toward other countries to fix. There is hope, however. A lot can be done in four years. I give Dubya one year, however. One year to fix the mess he made, three to apologize by giving us all tax breaks and free gas. Otherwise, I will just grin and say, to as many googly eyed dumbass republicans running for cover as I can find..."toldja so...You got the president you deserve. Live with it."
Until 2008, God help us, one and all. Even the Dumbasses.