"But...I....I'M BATMAN!"

I could be, anyway. With one trip to the costume shop just to make everything LOOK perfect, I could be the caped crusader. All I would need is my sister in-laws car, cell phone and the wifes iPod. Add a little brasen attitude, some well practiced sneering and a butler, batcave, supercomputer (WITH Atomic pile) Four hundred billion dollars to support my devil-may-care philanthropist-by-day crime fighter by night lifestyle,and one teenage former circus acrobat as my ambiguously gay sidekick and I'm Batman, Damnit.
But it starts with the car. Julie has a Toyota Prius. Sure, no atomic batteries to power or turbines to speed, but it does have batteries...lot's of 'em. It also has an on board computer with touchscreen monitor that will map out the best route, display restaurants and maybe even sniff out bad guys, although I havn't found that button yet.
And It isn't because I havn't been trying. Every time I get into that machine I try something new. I have to. I try talking to it. I look for new lights, new bells, the switch for the expresso maker, or the lever for the ejection seat. If I don't, no one else will, especially not Julie, who admittedly has not a clue as to the function, form or even very EXISTANCE of any or the ultra cool shit she owns. She owns...and I don't. Something I'm getting used to. Seems I'm surrounded by technology in the hands of the enemy. Jay won a XBOX at a company meeting. He has had it in his posession for about a month. At least, he thought he did, but if he didn't he wouldn't have known it, since the thing sat in a plain shipping box in a dark corner, getting older. Not being loved. Not being played. Just...sitting. Jay owning an XBOX makes as much sense as Stevie Wonder owning a telescope.
Julie's car talks to her phone. Batman's stuff talks to each other,too.
My phone doesn't talk to anything. Not even me. It doesn't even have games to play. Not even Tetris. It has a color display. That's kinda cool. But not really.
Batman doesnt have time for games, not on his cell phone or his XBOX. But he has both, how could he not? He's Batman, damnit! Batman is cool. Stuff is cool. Knowing how to work cool stuff is cool especially when you have stuff to work.
Julie has stuff. Jay, too. Even my wifes iPod is way cool.
I have a CD resurfacer. It's kinda cool. The hand crank isn't though.
So, I could be Batman, I could drive around in a cool battery powered car with a portable data drive in my belt buckle, a voice activated two way communicator and a virtual reality emulator back at the cave...but only if I borrow all of it. That doesn't seem right.
Batman never borrowed anything. Just ask his ambiguously gay teenager friend. He'll tell ya.

Christmas letter 2004

Well kids what a thrill and a half...Christmas is upon us, that time of we schlep ourselves to the overcrowded stores in hopes of wrestling the last ipod or doo-dad or whatchamacallit from the cold dead hands of the jerkoff who thought he had the stones to cut you off in the parking lot, pay for the damn thing on credit, hide it, wrap it and finally toss it in the general direction of whichever bloodsucking relative who's name you happened to draw in last years Sectret Santa debacle. Yip-ay and ya-hoo its almost here. Break out the egg nog and hit it with 90 proof grain alcohol, this years joy to the worlding will need a little extra kick in the crotch.

Ok, alright, I'm kidding. I never knew how anyone could be bitter and "grinchy" this time of year, especially now with kids. Yes, we are stressed out big time, yes, we are maxed out credit wise, again. Yes, it's colder than Hell during a Cubs world series(see what I did there, the Cubs reference, ya catch that?)but nothing could really dampen my spirits around now. The older I get the more I get like my own parents, all soft and gushy and otherwise unlike myself. In days past I dislocated limbs in an effort to smash whatever device was playing Ann Murray Christmas songs, now I bop to anything that plays, pretending I'm Sinatra and boo-be-doing all over the place. If it gets any worse, I may start hum along with Clay Aikin. Ok, wait, scratch the last part, I'm warm and fuzzy this time of year, NOT gay.
Santa was good to the family this year, I'm even predicting a large, very impractible toy myself. Please oh PLEASE!

Well, so much for confessions of a Christmas candyass, back to my cave on Mt. Crumpit and plotting ways of stealing Christmas from those Who's down in Who-ville.

A Festivus for the rest of us!

"I find tinsel distracting"
Frank Costanza

'Tis the season, folks. Time to take pen to paper(does anyone do that anymore?) once again and draft up another long winded diatribe about the family, kids, job and any other witless commentary for the reading pleasure of extended family members whom I only keep in touch with by...you guessed it..
THE CHRISTMAS LETTER OF DOOOOOM!!!!
Moments from now I shall lock myself away in the secret family vault, turn on the exhaust fan and begin to pontificate at great length. Shortly therafter I plan to get to work on the letter BUT, until then, here's LAST YEAR'S letter for your enjoyment. If this doesnt just STINK of holiday spirit I dunno what does. Merry Christmas, humans!

12/20/03
Happy Holidays...
This Christmas, add one more thing to be thankful for: Santa is for children and children alone. Things might be different if adults had their way…
NORTH POLE PINK SLIPS HAVE 20,000 SEEING RED
NORTH POLE (REUTERS)-Sat November 29, 04:48 PM ET by Kidcubfan
Santa Claus, the world renowned philanthropist and beloved Christmas season icon, has announced through his legal department that North Pole inc. and their parent company, PolarWireless.com, is shuttering the famed arctic workshop and will begin the layoffs of 19,726 employees immediately after the upcoming holiday season. Blaming a sagging economy, rising manufacturing costs and recent labor disputes, the law firm of Rankin Bass Cornelius says the entire operation will be moved to Mexico by January 16th, 2004. Another source confirms the move, but says while the manufacturing sector will be relocated the home office will remain at the original remote location.
The transition was announced last Wednesday during an emergency union meeting called by Hermey Elf, president of NOME local 1225. NOME, or National Organization of Magical Elves, stated in a letter that the locals had long suspected recent decisions to sell the family owned business and naming rights to corporate interests had been just the beginning of many changes to the ancient institution. “It stinks. Just plain and simple, it stinks” said Hermey in a statement after the announcement. “We bust our little butts for a couple hundred years, and this is the thanks we get. Ho-ho-ho my [expletive deleted]”
Other critics of the decision picketed outside the front gates of the famed village well into the night, until freezing temperatures moved the protest indoors. Some attending the rally said they weren’t surprised at all. “We saw this coming thirty, forty years ago maybe” Said Clem Calhoun, a former Santa’s helper. “I told ‘em way back, no kids like that hand carved stuff anymore. They all want that electronic garbage and whatnot, but he [Santa] wouldn’t listen. He canned me on the spot. Just as well, he pays next to nuttin’ anyway.”
A. Bominable, head of security for the company, also claimed Santa’s problems started in the late sixties, but placed the onus on the elves themselves. “The little guys couldn’t get it together and the work suffered. Aside from using genetically altered red-nosed freaky reindeer every time it got foggy, we were churning out jelly filled water pistols, trains with square wheels, dolls with psychological issues, and these Jack-In-The-Boxes named Charlie, for Pete’s sake. We even had one little guy get so fed up he quit to become a dentist or something. I never liked that guy, we had a run in once, and nothing was ever the same since.”
Sebastian H. Miser of North Pole Investments placed the blame squarely on a poor business model.
“You have on one hand a factory that handles over nine and a half billion requests for products every year, which is a good thing, but on the other hand you have no revenue whatsoever.” Recent financial reports listed milk and cookies as the only known source of income.
“Balderdash!” said Hermey of both claims. “We never had any revenue before, non profit all the way. This is all about selling out to corporate interests. But I don’t think this will go through now that the word is out. I’ve seen worse, way worse. I was there for the ‘misfit toy years’… I was a ‘misfit’ myself, but we pulled through. And as far as the dentist comment goes, I gave it my best shot, but I’d like to see anyone who’s three feet tall make it in that profession. At least I have something to fall back on if we do close this shop for good. I can’t say that for most of these guys.”

In an unrelated incident that same day, PeTA members protested the “captivity” of Santa’s famed flying reindeer outside the enchanted village, saying that “slave labor” sends the wrong message to children around the world. One PeTA member, Alfalfa Burkenstock, had stripped nude in -20 degree weather and displayed signs reading “Santa hurts animals” and “If GOD wanted reindeer to fly he would have given them WINGS!” Mr. Claus himself could not be reached for comment.

Sick

Did I mention there was a reason we didnt make the playoffs?
Did I mention I'm Cub fan?
Were you afraid I was forgetting about my obsession?
Here...to recap

No Mark Prior to start the season...and
Date Player Injury

9/28/04 Ramon Martinez Placed on the 15-day disabled list (retroactive to Sept. 16) with a left groin strain.

9/6/04 Joe Borowski Transferred to the 60-day disabled list.

9/2/04 Todd Hollandsworth Transferred from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list.

8/28/04 Kyle Farnsworth Placed on the 15-day disabled list with a bruised and sprained right knee.

7/3/04 Todd Hollandsworth Placed on the 15-day disabled list with a right shin contusion retroactive to June 28.

6/27/04 Mike Remlinger Placed on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to June 24 with tendinitis in his left shoulder.

6/11/04 Tom Goodwin Activated from the 15-day disabled list.

6/6/04 Joe Borowski Placed on the 15-day disabled list.

6/4/04 Alex Gonzalez Transferred from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list.

5/28/04 Todd Wellemeyer Placed on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 22, with a right shoulder strain.

Tom Goodwin Placed on the 15-day DL, retroactive to May 24, with a right groin strain.

Mark Grudzielanek Transferred from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list.

5/20/04 Kerry Wood Placed on 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 12, with a sore right triceps

5/19/04 Sammy Sosa Placed on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 16, with a sprained ligament in his lower back.

5/6/04 Alex Gonzalez Placed on the 15-day disabled list with a broken right wrist.

Mark Prior Transferred from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list.

4/13/04 Mark Grudzielanek Placed on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to April 10 (partial tear right Achilles).

4/4/04 Jose Macias Placed on the 15-day disabled list with a torn meniscus in his right knee.


Boooyah.

Thanks, "Girls"

No matter what Mapquest says and regardless of how many times I have taken the trip in the past, the trip from our front door to Ludington Michigan takes four hours. Period. It makes no difference to me that the trip actually takes 5, sometimes 5 and a half hours...four is all I can take driving a car and so four it is. Jill and I packed up the car with two bags of clothes, Lukes suitcase full of toys (all 36 pounds worth)Aunt Gin's gifts, various this and thats, two kids, one dog and a cooler full of juice boxes and pop. We left last friday after I got home from work, and although we wanted to get going by 6pm, we didnt hit the highway until well after 7. Good news, we missed rush hour, bad news is it took an hour and a half just to get out of Illinois regardless. But once on the road I settled in to the drive and I'm happy to say that the entire trip was uneventful, particularily with regards to my strange anxiety "attacks" I have experienced in the past. They are a real pain in the butt, and are completely comprised of the anxiety you experience hoping they dont come in the first place. Nice little psycho catch-22. Once I figured that part out, I can pretty easily shrug the urge to have one off. Strange the effects quitting smoking has on you. It will be a year in December.
We arrived in Ludington with 2 snoring kids and one freaked out dog. Charlie seemingly inherited my anxiety...or he just didnt know what to make of being in a car so long. He spent the first hour whimpering and pawing Jills lap, the rest of the way he curled up at her feet and stayed put. Both Barb and Gin were wide awake when we pulled up, not surprisingly, and we spent the better part of the next 2 hours showing off the kids. Bridget went from zero to Shirley Temple in no time flat, while Luke, now completly out of his shell and willing to engage anyone as long as they check out his Yu-Gi-Oh collection, was busy unloading his suitcase full of toys. The kid makes Carrot-top look like a piker.
We had a great stay, Luke got to shop at the Dollar store (his main objective) I got to sleep in the "Mooshigan" bed (No more comfortable or hard to get out of bed in the whole wide universe Barb, thankyouverymuch)Jill got to connect with family, albeit mine but hey, and Bridget got to spend time with her two newest fanclub members, even gracing them with a song or two. Or three. The "Girls" as they have come to be known are doing great, and like Jill said on the way home, it's good to connect with family. She gets that chance every day, 36 times some days...me notsomuch.
So if you are reading this, I love you both very much, and thanks for the love I get back, especially the way you love our kids, it means the world to all of us.
Bless you both and Happy 80th Gin, many more to come!

"FREEZE, you might be arrested, just...gimme a sec..."

Dear God, here we go...
Resident house-frow and cold-as-ice Attorney General Lisa "Mad-again" has asked justices in her first supreme court appearance to let police use dogs to sniff outside people's cars for drugs -- even if the motorists are stopped merely for speeding or some other non-drug offense. The ACLU argues that this violates the 4th amendment rights of search and seuzure, but Lisa, being oh so very smart had a reply. The dogs only sniff the air outside the car...so no rights are violated. OH WAIT, it gets better, when challenged with the argument that officers could simply walk up and down the street sniffing houses at random, Liza laughed it off saying not to worry, no police department has the man power for that.
So, in her opinion, if they did, it would be ok?
Nice.
This, people, is compassionate conservitism. This, is the "moral" majority. THIS BITCH is an example of the lunacy this country crapped forth into power. We are in for a bad, bad four years. What, you ask, does SHE have to do with our current administration? Everything, and if you can draw the parrallel lines, you probably voted for Kerry. If, however, you have spent more time wiping drool off of the keyboard than reading this, you voted for the president you deserve.
Welcome,back my friends, to the show that never ends. Were so glad you could attend, now HOLD ON TO YOUR ASS, cuz the new world order has taken over.

Iraq declares "state of emergency..."

Yeah, no shit. And in related news, Alaska just declared a state of snow. Id just like to take a moment to post the lyrics from a song by a band who feels the same way I do. I give you "The Idiots are taking over" by NOFX- it really says it all.


It’s not the right time to be sober
Now the idiots have taken over
Spreading like a social cancer, is there an answer?

Mensa membership exceeding
Tell me why and how are all the stupid people breeding
Watson, it’s really elementary
The industrial revolution
Has flipped the bitch on evolution
The benevolent and wise are being cornered, ostracized, what a bummer
The world keeps getting dumber
Insensitivity is standard and faith is being fancied over reason

Darwin’s rollin over in his coffin
The fittest are surviving much less often
Now everything seems to be reversing, and it’s worsening
Someone plopped a steamer in the gene pool
Now angry mob mentality’s no longer the exception, it’s the rule
And I’m startin to feel a lot like Charlton Heston
Stranded on a primate planet
Apes and orangutans that ran it to the ground
With generals and the armies that obeyed them
Followers following fables
Philosophies that enable them to rule without regard

There’s no point for democracy when ignorance is celebrated
Political scientists think the same one vote that some monkeys are inbred
Majority rule, don’t work in mental institutions
Sometimes the smallest softest voice carries the grand biggest solutions

What are we left with?
A nation of god-fearing pregnant nationalists
Who feel it’s their duty to populate the homeland
Pass on traditions
How to get ahead religions
And prosperity be a symbol to culture

The idiots are takin over

Enjoy the show folks, Sorry, there is no intermission.

When will I learn?

Every fall I tell myself to just rake the leaves and leave the leaf blower alone and every year I find myself walking around our yard blasting the brown crunchies all over the place except for the place I want them to go. Today was no different, but I did manage to blast the leaves, water and gunk out of the gutters which is always kinda fun, and much easier than the gag inducing older method of scooping out handfuls of soaked and rotting mother nature vomit and plopping it into a bucket.
Luke saw the ladder against the house and wanted to go up on the roof, so up we went. He was thrilled, and I even lowered my guard enough to let go of his hand for a few seconds. Now he knows what the neighbors roof looks like, and I imagine he will miss no opportunities to brag about it for the next month.

Here's your hat what's your hurry.

Two mini-posts for the price of one.

John Ashcroft is considering stepping down from the coveted post of head super spy in charge of all things secret and sneaky. No word yet as to a possible replacement, but apparently there seems to be no shortage of "Frank Burns" type paranoids running around this great country. Expect deeper infringements on what's left of your freedoms and privacy.

WAY TO GO, GREG!
Yes, this is supposed to be a Cubs blog. Recent events, however, have directed my attention elsewhere, so back to the Cubs for just a moment. Greg won yet another Golden Glove, making this 14.
Way to go, many more.

I'm 51% CERTAIN: We...are... screwed.

Well, so much for the next four years, and who knows how many after that. The nice thing about this being MY blog is I get to utilize my CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED OPINION any way I please without pesky rebuttal from the crazy, whacked out far right wing neo-conservative war mongering wealthy republicans currently squirming around this country like a maggot ridden festering wound. Sorry, maybe that was too harsh. I should delete "neo."
Allow me to lay this out before anything else so that there is no confusion whatsoever. I did not vote for Bush. I know, hard to believe, but true.
I did not vote for him for a few very specific reasons, the most important being that he is him. I mean, he is who he is, which is him and hes a him I don't like all too very much.
In plain English, and in my opinion, he's a slack jawed mouth breather with less than adequate IQ to hold a bowling ball much less a public office.
I know there is some debate as to whether he is intelligent or not. But again, this being my blog I get to write what I want and otherwise don't care what dumb people think of other dummies. See how this works? About a smidge less fair and balanced than FOX news, who by the way had Bush as the winner by a margin of SCHVIVTY FIVE point ELEVENTY SEVEN electoral votes as early as last June, and Kerry as the loser by a margin of ALL THE PEOPLE OF THE U.S.A.
Yeah,fair and balanced as a gypsy whorehouse.
Bottom line is this: Bush called himself a "uniter" not a "divider" then went on to wage a WAR that nobody agreed with against a country that didn't deserve it for reasons he pulled out of his ass-wait, sorry, reasons he pulled out of other peoples asses- Trying to be fair...and proceeded to shove down the throats of the cowards and feeble minded who think that changing president mid-war would anger the boogie men.
This country, along with this world, is divided so far beyond simple repair that it may take every ounce of goodwill the USA can muster toward other countries to fix. There is hope, however. A lot can be done in four years. I give Dubya one year, however. One year to fix the mess he made, three to apologize by giving us all tax breaks and free gas. Otherwise, I will just grin and say, to as many googly eyed dumbass republicans running for cover as I can find..."toldja so...You got the president you deserve. Live with it."
Until 2008, God help us, one and all. Even the Dumbasses.

Cubs Update...Adios, AMIGOS!

A Cubs update on a Cubs fansite? Go figure.
Farewell Stoney, you will be missed. And sorry for the reasons surrounding your departure, it's a shame the Cubs front office couldnt see past thier own inept blunderings, poor management and insanity circus they call public relations to realize what an asset you are/were to this club. I for one, and one of millions, will fondly remember your dead on color assesment of the games from the tv booth, be they critical or full of praise. You were, as far as I'm concerned, an honest fan of the team and the best critic they had when it really mattered. Too bad they saw that as a liability, but with the curse of the billygoat, comes the curse of the scapegoat.
Your departure simply adds a new layer of sadness to the tear-jerker chapter in a book known as perpetual next-year.
At least you are not alone in saying farewell to the friendly confines. No more will I be able to howl ALOUUUUU! with thousands of others as Moises takes the field. No longer will Mark Grudzalanek have his name butchered by Ronny Santo as "Grunz" alodic. And lastly, with you goes the smoke that was the fire that the Cubs had stoked the past couple years, only to let its fizzle and die like so many others before. Perhaps poking at the embers could rekindle it just a little, before Sosa whizzes all over it for good.
Here is Steve's letter of resignation.
Dear Cubs fans,

Since I put on a Cubs uniform in 1974, I've seen lots of Cub's history. There has been heartache and joy, agony and ecstasy, not to mention, 21 managers and 10 general managers.

Through all of these years and more than a few broadcast partners, I have always felt a strong connection to the greatest, most loyal fans in baseball, Cub fans. My love for the city of Chicago and the people who came to beautiful Wrigley Field has been a constant. Over 3 million of you Cub fans came to the ballpark in 2004 and the TV ratings showed you watched the Cub broadcasts in staggering numbers.

Unfortunately, the 2004 season did not end as we had hoped. It was devastating for all of us who invested our hearts, our time and in many cases our lives, in the hopes and dreams of the Cubs winning a world championship.

I am sure you have read many things about this past season and my involvement in one or two controversies. However, you have never heard my story or my perspective of the events that have brought us to this point in time. As has always been my personal policy, it is not my intention to divulge the content of private conversations I've had with others. Likewise, I do not want to be forced into sharing my side of the story. I came into Chicago on the high road with my credibility and integrity. Thirty years later, I choose to leave the same way.

The phrase I used that angered certain people was "I regret nothing." Well folks, I was wrong about that and want to set the record straight. I regret I won't be calling another Cubs game on WGN-TV for the greatest fans in baseball, the fans of the Chicago Cubs.

It's been a great ride. I will never forget you. Most importantly, I thank you all for every minute of happiness, you, the fans have given me.

Best regards,

Steve Stone

Class act, He will be missed.

Vote, you hillbilly!!

Ain't votin'? No time? Too busy fixin on yer truck in the front yard?
Take a tip from a guy that does...
Vote, and no matter who wins, you will feel better about doing it.
Don't, and you lose all credibility. I'm Kidcubfan and I approve this message.

"D" is for LIS-DEXIA!!!

MORE BACKWARD THINKING FROM OUR PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEMS

There are some days I wake up and feel old. My feet hurt, my hands cramp up, I wobble around the bleak drizzly morning and think "Jebus, I'm 36, not the other way around!" and then it passes and after goofing around with Luke and Bridget I feel young, closer to the point of view they share about the world than people my own age. Why can't we eat Jell-o for breakfast? Why not jump in puddles? I'm all for it. Then comes a story like the one you can read by clicking on the title above, and you realize how far removed from "adulthood" an adult can really be. Long story short, kids in a small Washington town might not have Halloween celebrations in school, for fear of offending..."real witches." Yeah, right. Hey, that reminds me , Christmas is being re-thunk around these parts for fear of offending..."real elves." I'm sick of this "P.C." world we live in. I think it's time to buck the trend. I think I just might leave the turlit seat up this weekend. I think just to balance out things a bit, I may watch a REDSKINS game. I may even call my "butter-flavoured popcorn topping" BUTTER this next coming movie excursion.(Oh, one can only hope it will be Shall we danceA light hearted romantic romp filled with)...I meant Alien vs Predator. What did I say? Forget it. I might even go commando at church. Heh. Just a thought.
Or...maybe I'll just toss my 2 cents in where it might get picked up by firing off a nasty-gram to the large and in-charge, high and mighty Puyallup school district President, a one Mr.G Heath.
Heres what I had to say...
Dear Mr. Heath,
I just finished reading this article www.komonews.com/stories/33602.htm and had to voice my opinion. If what was said regarding the cancellation of all Halloween activities is true, then you and your staffers have succumbed one of the saddest trends in our history, over-sensitivity. How many times in the past have you actually stopped to think that the world, or even your little town, would be better off without some traditions? I would hope never. If so, it is only a matter of time before other traditions follow suit. If Halloween is "offensive" to "Witches" then Thanksgiving could be viewed as offensive to Native Americans, Christmas offensive to Jews and every other holiday offensive to one group or another. Where does it stop? Or is that the point, is this just the start of the ideal that one day, we will all act accordingly as to not offend anyone or anything by not involving ourselves in any way shape or form. If so, then you should know you are simply teaching these children nothing more than apathy and nihilism. The bottom line is this, you are taking away Halloween from children. Plain and simple. That is all they will see it as. Let the kids have fun, and for god's sake let them be kids while they are young, they will have the rest of thier lives to think , and over-think, like some adults.

Pehaps not the most moving of all texts but my point was made.
Maybe. We will see. Time to go jump in a puddle with a bowl full of Jell-O, FOR BREAKFAST OF COURSE!

Snow White

Smidge wanted to be Snow White for Halloween, and so she shall. Who are we to say no to a girl in the midst of her terrible two's? Besides, if she were any cuter we would just puke.

Pa'ar warshurs n stuff!

After 12 years living in our humble abode, I decided...ok, Jill decided...no, thats not right either. Let's try this angle...The health and human services of greater Illinois would probably have decided, (much better,)that they needed verification that the floor of my garage actually existed, or if the stacked, packed,jammed, crammed and otherwise squozed in pile of you-name-it was simply held in place over a bottomless chasm like some twisted junkyard version of don't break the ice.
Incidentally, for those of you not personally familiar with gene pool recession or trailer speak, the title of this diatribe is "Power washers and stuff." Please, refrain from correcting my grammar, doing so would violate the ZERO COMMENTARY currently gracing the bottom of all of my posts,thankyouverymuch, and where was I? Oh, right, the run on sentence regarding my garage.
A call was placed to Jay, who was borrowing Mike's Power washer. Having never used one before, Jay wanted a lesson in how to use this...this...big bad something-or-other horsepower briggs and stratton gas powered squirt gun on crack. It really is an amazing machine, with one pull of the trigger my testosterone level jumped up 30 points. Theres something very Zen about the ability to strip paint from a concrete floor with just a blast of water, almost as satisfying as cutting steel with fire...oh...oh...don't get me started on that.
After a full day yesterday of Mr. Mom-ing it I needed this. A few hours of emptying the garage by carefully tapping at the edge of the mountain with a big red plastic hammer...-obscure don't break the ice joke-...I lined up both sides of our driveway with neat piles of everything we own and for the most part completely forgot about. (A recent garage sale removed most of the crap, including all of the crap dropped off and left behind from the previous garage sale two years ago. Next time,I'm doing it right...two words...yard fire.)
I got mah boy and sat him down to watch his old man do man stuff. It probably didnt help that I sat him down on his sisters little wicker chair wearing his bike helmet, but who cares...no one could see him behind the mountain of garage junk we once called house junk. It was time to warsh, and i mean warsh with an r. I fired up the 2 stroke engine with one pull, pointed the nozzle of doom at the newly discovered greyish floor and nearly removed all of 11 toes with one shot. After dialing the nozzle down from " Filthy jackhammer" to "girly man" I tried again, this time taking off only the paint, grease, grime, sludge, and yuck that had once held our boxes in place, which I actually considered a benefit in the event of an earthquake.
Luke was proud, if not a little wet. He sat kinda close.
Once I was done, it was time for one more manly-man thing. I power warshed..the power washer itself...thereby adding 3 points to the score I made up in my head for scoring such things as power washing and football and cross stitching.
Maybe I gotta work on my list a little.
Tomorrow...REARRANGING THE KITCHEN CABINETS!

SWAG! YOU NEED THIS CRAP!!!

After having this little site less than a year and absolutely NO KNOWN REGULARS, I made the decision it was time to sell cheap crap at moderate prices! NOW YOU, the casual reader, relative or kind friend can own your very own I BLOG, THEREFORE YOU'RE WRONG T-shirt, coffee mug or magnet!!!Simply whip out the plastic and go crazy ...Remember, you can't fully understand buyers remorse until you have EXPERIENCED IT TO IT'S FULLEST, BUY MORE!!!
READY? CLICK THE "SWAG" HEADER ABOVE

Secret world, no camera...

Now that all but the yelling is over regarding the Cubs season, I will reluctantly switch the meaning of this "blog" or whatever it is to my own little journal of random crapola. If it should survive to next season, the random crapola will be once again changed back to Cubby crapola, rest assured.
Based on the events of the last few week, I am seriously considering carrying a 35mm camera with me everywhere now. It seems that everywhere I turn lately I blunder into another hidden world right in the middle of civilization. Last week it was a burned down farm house and great big rotting barn 150 feet from a major intersection. I was working on locating cable when a co-worker Don and I wandered unwittingly along an old decreped road into the woods. The barn came into view first, then a group of smaller sheds and buildings, all in various stages of disrepair. We walked around the property, peering into filthy windows and kicking curiosities hidden in the overgrowth. The whole time I tried to picture it as it was. Although we were within earshot of the traffic, it was eerily silent. I saw the farm house, or what was left of it, last. It had burned down some time before, the charred timbers strewn about and overgrown by grasses. I climbed up on the foundation wall and looked at the twisted wreckage of rusted plumbing resting in what was once the basement. The first Polaroid came out blank,(old, crappy film) but the second shot was a bit better, although Don and I might be the only ones to ever make out the image and how it fits in time and space.
I suppose this justifies the use of a cell phone camera in some ways, but on the other hand, I dont mind owning an experience sans digital proof.
The other little discovery happened today. Another stroll into the woods at work, this time in Hoffman Estates, revealed an old cemetary. http://www.graveyards.com/show.php?id=81 Again, in the middle of everything, hidden away by a thin layer of trees and indifference. The Greve cemetary is located at the top of a small hill and overlooks quad homes in every direction. My visit today was accompanied by the louder than life shrill din of what seemed like a thousand landscapers, determined to cut every blade and suck up every leaf for miles.
Lastly, while googling for information on Typhoid Mary (So I'm the curious type, so sue me) I stumbled upon this site http://www.urbanlens.com/index.html A great little site with some of exactly what I'm talking about...having a camera handy (especially if you are planning a trip to farr off places to take pictures.)
Duh.

SHEEP!!! LOOK OUT!!!!

Remember "BABY ON BOARD" in every window?Here in my neck of the suburbs lately that same "I HAVE GOT TO BE LIKE EVERONE ELSE" mentality has struck again. Some marketing genius game up with magnets shaped like ribbons, in all manner of colors and sayings, and is selling them to every person with a pulse to slap on the back end of the family ride. On my half hour trip home I counted 23. TWENTY THREE!!! I didnt see that many turn signals. Most say something to the effect of "support the troops" or "pray for the troops"The thing that gets me is that I dont need to be reminded by the ass end of a Subaru to "support the troops" or worse yet..."Pray for the troops"As opposed to what? "Forget the troops, they're doomed" or "Pray for more war!"The only thing I want to see more of regarding the car in front of me is more turn signals and less cell phones. How about this for a magnetic ribbon quote: "Im too busy concentrating on the road right now to talk, how about you do the same"

Well then...wasn't that special?

So let us recap, shall we?

Actually, what more can I say that hasn't already been said to death regarding the stunning collapse of the Cubs organization in the final weeks of play? Not much, but then again when has that stopped me from venting. After all, I started this blog so that I would have a place to read my own words prior to a Cubs world series in the year Twenty umpteen for-never. So, here are a few random thoughts regarding a most miserable year and the miserable after taste it has left in the collective mouths of 3 million plus screaming wild knucklehead never say die losers like myself who attended the coveted shrine to baseball glorification only to have our asses handed to us by a fate so horrible Steve Bartman himself could ne'er conjure up...APATHY, the dreaded cancer of the MLB, all rights reserved.
1) I began the 2004 year with three goals. The first was to secure as many choice tickets to see as many games as my schedule would allow. This was a mistake. Random tickets as presents are much more rewarding than trying to figure which games would mean anything.
The other two goals involved heavy drinking and something about a world series..OH, I remember, I wanted to drink heavily at the WORLD FRIGGIN SERIES. Sorry, back to typing.
2) I started this blog to rant, rave and glorify further the myth that would be the legend that would... be... MY world series WINNING CHICAGO CUBS!!! How ya likin' it so far? Yeah, exactly.
3) The only things missing from the start of the last baseball season was an epidemic of bubonic plague wiping out what was left of the injury ridden, shaken starting rotation. It was supposed to look like this, PRIOR-WOOD-ZAMBRANO-MADDUX-CLEMENT...Instead we got WOOD on again off again boo boo, PRIOR pulled his hambone favoring his armbone or something...CLEMENT Pulled chin fuzz, (even the Clementines abandoned him...)Zambrano who pitched great but could also pitch wild and suddenly go apeshit all over the field. Moises Alouooooo Who when he wasnt HITTING the ball was swinging at umpires who were conspiring against him...whatever...And of course, my personal favorite of all time...Sosa, who after throwing out his back SNEEZING(wait for laughter to die down, 2..1...), returned fresh as a daisy. Have you ever seen a daisy swing a bat? Me neither.
To round it all off we had a ZERO for a closing pitcher by the name of LaTroy Hawkins, who in an interview after losing a game made it perfectly clear that while he could easily pick up a microphone and do a reporters job, no simple reporter could do what he does for a living. I beg to differ. As I recall, in that game, Hawkins threw a ball that hit a batter. With bases loaded. Scoring a run. Cubs lost by one.
Call me arrogant, but I COULD DO THAT!!!! And on the cheap, too.
This was the team that Sports Illustrated predicted would win it all, even plastering Wood's dominating, menacing mug all over the front page. This was the team, skippered by a one Dusty "we trusty" Baker, that would scream through the Central division and skip rope to a World Seried win in October?
So thorough was the disease which ate this team away from the inside that not even the announcers were immune. That reminds me...Later Chip, good luck in Atlanta, it was nice having your enthusiasm and honesty. Same for you, Steve Stone, I hope you stay under better circumstances. But for the rest of you whining, sniveling, crybaby billionaire nerdlingers who spent an entire season crying about the media, game times, game locations, weather and/or anything else other that the game itself and/or your inability to get it together to score ONE FRIGGIN RUN WITH BASES LOADED 3 TIMES IN ONE GAME, I...YOU...meh, ah, crap... Heres your hat, what's your hurry..just go.
I will always stand by my team, MY Cubs. I will refer to losses as "our" problems, the same as I refer to wins as "our" streaks. But I will not accept a team of millionaire children who expect to be handed a win and wonder why those eight teams who EARNED it are still playing games come October. No way. Jim Hendry has his work cut out for him, I'll miss some names next year, and others I won't. But I'll be there anyhow, another screaming knucklehead in the bleachers waiting to drink heavily at the World Series. Hey...I'll even buy one or two.
As always, Go Cubs, and...
say it with me, kids...
Wait 'til next year!!!

Spin cycle

In the event that for some the Cubs manage to pull off a tie in the Wild Card race, here's a simple explanation of how things will shake out.
"The Dodgers, Giants and Cubs finish with the same winning percentage, leaving the NL West and the NL Wild Card winners undecided. The Dodgers and Giants would have a one-game playoff to determine the West champion on Monday. The loser would play the Cubs (or Astros or Padres) in a one-game playoff to determine the Wild Card winner on Tuesday. If that scenario plays out, then both National League Division Series would begin on Wednesday. Under normal circumstances (no Tuesday tiebreaker), three Division Series will begin on Tuesday and the only exception is the one not involving the NL Wild Card."
Got all that? Good. Theres just one thing preventing this...
WE NEED TO FRIGGIN' WIN A FEW LOUSY GAMES ALREADY!!!!!!!
So, my prediction...Prior will be pulled in the 4th today after giving up 2 homers, a triple, a sac fly and walking 2 more. But the Cubs will rally late and put it away. Cubs 7 Giants 6
The fingers are crossed...go Cubs!

And so it ends...

or does it? Todays heartbreaking loss may be the only nail in the coffin that the Cubs need to flat out give up. Latroy blew another one in the 9th, with 2 outs and an 0-2 count. I should have typed all that in bold, flashing, underlined text for emphasis but no, I have neither the strength nor the interest. A loss is a loss, and with shaky Mark Prior going tomorrow a true cynic would say that the fat lady is warming her oversized hypothalymus at this very moment.

Perhaps there are miracles to be had, I believe in them. Bridget and Luke are both miracles, so they can happen. But can they happen at Wrigley? Can they happen to the Cubs? We'll see. Surprise me. But until then...There's always next...

No, not yet. I'll save it.
Go CUBS!

Well, Mr. Smarty Pants...

I predicted and 8-2 loss to The Cincinatti Reds, as seen below. I am happy to report that I was wrong.

It was and 8- 3 loss.

Silly me. Silly silly me.

And the Magic Number IS.....

Six. As of this moment, the Cubs are staring down any combination of wins plus Giants losses that equal 6 as the magic number.
I have already gone on record as stating I will no longer twist myself into emotional pretzels over this, so allow me to just predict tonights outcome and be done with it.
Since our boys had all sorts of fun stomping the Reds last night like Napa valley grapes, it only stands to reason that they will produce an encore performance tonight.
Which is exactly why they will lose, 8-2, even with the aging Greg Maddux on the hump and all of Samm-y So-So ready to finally break out and blast a few onto Waveland.
They must keep things interesting, afterall. I hope Im wrong.

I, Bartman

After a long and painful emotional inventory, I have come to the conclusion that it is not the fault of the Cubs for the woes they encounter, the failures they achieve or the pain they force us to endure year after year. It is instead simply the fault of us. Yes, we the collective Cub fan are the single source and lone burning ember which ignites the inferno of madness that entirely consumes with great ease the hopes and dreams which we had built every spring training. There is no curse, there is no foul wind of misfortune. There is just positive thinking, and in a world where hopes are crushed and dreams are laughed at like so many sick kittens lost in a doberman factory, positive thinking is nothing more than a way to pass the time before the the dark falls. W must stop this lunacy post-haste, lest we all succumb to its most dangerous side effect...Cub-fan-apathy.
You have seen them, the apathetic fans. They are in every section, at every game. They keep score, emotionless, with the look about them of someone consumed by years of climing the peaks of first place, only to have gravity kick in and suck them back to earth like a lead balloon. They are beyond consolation, they are lost in horrific memories. Memories with names like Buckner, Bartman and Billy...the Goat, that is. They check off thier lives measured by the years added up since a Cubs Pennant. Most importantly, they have resigned themselves to the fact that there will be no more fanaticism to be denied, there will never again be a Cubs fan grace to fall from, be it a Mark Grace or otherwise.
I refuse this fate. I refuse to be sucked in so completely that I begin thinking the Cubs will go all the way in my lifetime based only on skills and fantastic management. They will need much more. They will need the fans to change the way they think. Beginning today, less than 5 hours after the NY Mets handed us loss number TWO in complete and utter disgrace, I have decided I shall do my part. From this moment on, My beloved Cubs will not have me to "curse" them with my positive thinking. From this moment, every win shall come to me as a complete shock, every loss will slip away barely noticed, and until the World Series tickets in my hand include the name CHICAGO CUBS in full color, I will refrain from my usual display of irrational behavior and drunken revelry. That, I shall save, for the Bears.
Oh Lord, I am SO screwed.

roof2

roof2
Originally uploaded by Gratefuldad.

Jay's friend Bill and a helper tearin' it up!

To roof or not to roof.

My brother in-law has decided he needs a new roof. He has also decided that this is a laborious project which involves skilled laborers, good balance, a knowledge of the tools and materials necessary and of course my pickup truck, so that all of the afore mentioned needs can be addressed by himself, a friend and 2 high school kids. Add to that a tutorial from Home Depot and at least one afternoon watching some other guys do it across the street. Some other guys, incidentally, who happen to work for a roofing company but hey, the devil is in the details, right?
Good luck, bro...If it all works out this year I'll be sure to call you next year when my roof is ready for replacement.
I'll be needing the name of the guys you watched across the street.

Brink of disaster...

And so another Cubs season rumbles toward the edge of the abyss, glancing down and teetering ever so sickly, then to wobble back onto the rails if only for a moment. Here I sit in bitter yet familiar disbelief as the Cubs let another golden moment slip away like a croc fart in a Flordia hurricane.
I should be more bitter, but I shall save the deepest depths of despair for the final blow, should the season end prior to post season play. Speaking of Prior, the wifes favorite little mound monkey had a great game today. Gee, looks like Mark's finally shaking off the pre-season jitters and getting down to bid'ness. Not a moment too soon, and thanks...pal...it's September, by the way.

tree.jpg

tree.jpg
Originally uploaded by Gratefuldad.

Jill found more bird houses at Hobby Lobby after one was sent along from my sister. They couldnt have fit better if they were custom made! I also love faking the 3 dimensional effect on 2 walls and the ceiling. I did that in Luke's room with Cyclops blasting Doc oc on the opposing wall.

Sooo-Big

soobog.jpg
Originally uploaded by Gratefuldad.

Here's Bridget checking her "upward mobility." I had great fun painting her room, and found the best ideas came when I walked around her room on my knees. Getting a kids perspective is the best way to imagine how things will look.

Vegetables are what food eats...

...for the rest of us...ANIMALS!. Big honkin slabs of cow flesh, precisely filleted chunks of chickens and pig, lots of pig...in every shape you can imagine. Grab up the whole bunch and plop it all down over open yard fire, smother it with BBQ and spices, invite friends and eat until the pain makes you pause, if only until the next round of heated animal flesh crosses your plate.

Yeah, it's that time of year again, and even if it isnt technically summer yet, nothing makes it seem so than BBQ and beer. Oh, and the Cubs, naturally.

As I write these lines, they are handing Clemens his first loss(crosses fingers) of the year. It's been a bad few weeks for the Cubbies, but were battling back ever so methodically, and a 5-0 lead all the way in the 7th against one of the best pitchers in baseball isnt a bad way to do it.

More babbling and adle pratter to come. Peace.

36 and Counting

The fog of birthday revelry has me away from posting anything of substance for now. A few quick hits- the Cubs are doing as they have been the last few games...finding any and every way to lose in spite of the other team doing it's best to do the same.
Glass half full- they have 9 or so on the disabled, which encompases nearly every superstar. Even so, they are only in third place, and could be worse. Glass half empty-these games count and it's too late in the season to say its still early. I only hope they get healthy quick and start winning, I refuse to believe this can last. It just can't.

Right now..The Cubs flat out stink as a ballclub, and they are only getting worse.

Cross them fingers people. Birthday pics to come.

Blah blah blah

Frozen pizza, Cubs and four hour old coffee...mmmm, must be my birthday.
I have yet to decide exactly why I set this blog up in the first place. I dont have much to say anymore, really. Maybe I can use it to post future cartoons and such. For now I will simply add Cubs rantings when I remember to, and leave it at that.
Cubs are getting whooped. Remlinger is back. Sosa is still out. Wood is not due until mid June. Prior (if he REALLY exists) allegedly threw 4 innings for... the...Deluth...Slackjaw Bullcranks, or something. Great. Throw 8 and 1/2 for the Cubs at home and I'll be happy. Until then, the eternal pessimist in me already knows the outcome. Prior will return, throw one single solitary pitch that will get pounded right back into his elbow, whereby the scoreboard will explode and come crashing down on him, Sosa and Alou.
I'm bitter. So sue me.
-K

St. Louis Blues

I missed the Cubs saturday for the first time this year. Work had me hopping and there was no way to listen to even a second of Pat Hughes' expert play by play, or Ron Santo's heart grabbing gafaws over ever swing and pitch. Sorry guys, I wont let it happen again. Our guys won that game and the next as well, if only just barely. Doing so, they are tied for first with the Reds. Cool. Now, lets see what we can do to make out spot on the top of the scoreboard flagpole less crowded, until then...QUIT FRIGGIN' RAINING. I'm not sure the exact amount but I think I heard that in the last week we have had over four hundred squintillian bazillion gallons of rain. (My four year old likes to do weather forcasts. He has an autographed picture of Tom Skilling on his wall. I'm worried about him.) The problem with the rain is eventually, you get wet. Worse, eventually...you get rained out. I hate rain outs,since I have adjusted my life to the set Cubs schedule. It's hard to switch gears like that...one minute I'm shining up my leather flame Doc Martens for a marathon Mahjong party in the park, the next thing you know I'm running to back home to catch the game...it's not natural. Then again neither are my obsessions for the Cubs and making up stories about Mahjong.
Ah, no matter...As long as they win, I will deal.
-K

Well then RAIN WHYDONTCHA!!!

First let me say boo hoo. My beloved Cubbies (did I mention I was a fan?) anyway...LOST.AGAIN. BOO! From the deepest darkest recess of my fanaticism, boo hoo you.
Ok, I admit, we got us one banged up team, and losing to the Cards (by one stinking lousy no good friggin run drat, darn, meh) is not the end of the world, but still... And while I'm on subject... is it too damn much to ask that our injuries be normal ones? Sure, our two star pitchers are sidelined for God knows how long, then whammo- Sammy Sosa...SNEEZES? And Throws out his back? Hello, -tap tap-Is this thing on? Joke over, people...enough already. Since the moment I witnessed first hand the "Bartman ball" bounce away from Alou and into our cursed dark history, I have been assured that THIS WAS THE DAMN YEAR. THIS ONE. No more next years. And why wouldn't we think that? Sosa, *BACK SPASMS, Wood, *SORE ARM (post "TOMMY JOHN" pitchers with sore arms scare me more than rubella.) Prior, **GOD ONLY KNOWS, PICK A BOO-BOO AND RUN WITH IT... and of course...Moises ALOuooooooo -who isn't on the broken down list, but PEES ON HIS HANDS AND TELLS THE WORLD ABOUT IT. Thanks, Mo...just what the south siders need...yet one more poorly spelled cardboard sign to go with "Cork" and such. SO go ahead, guys. RAIN ON MY DAMN PARADE WHYDONTCHA? Sure, I'm not the only fan in the world who's worried. Sure, it's too early in the season to start sweating like Joe Borowski walking to the mound. Sure, The cubs are in second place EVEN with a team that's got more owies than a senior citizen square dance marathon. I fully accept that being a fanatic I am destined to be forever disappointed...fine. But really guys...one more dumbass injury and ...AND...
And nothin'...Go Cubs.
-K

My sweet sickness

Turning the corner, "Nuts on Clark"catches my eye and it is at that moment the feeling hits me again like a ton of ivy clad bricks. My sweet sickness returns like an old friend who's been sick with worry over my absence. As the light turns green, I take my focus off the car-ass-elbow traffic for a moment to look to the end of the block...and just like that, she appears; Wrigley Field, home of MY Chicago Cubs. And once again...I'm home.

Every square inch of the neighborhood is crawling with that which makes Wrigleyville what it is. From the stumbling, bumbling frat boys on a bender to the little old ladies in full-on Cubby Blue, everywhere you look the celebration bumps and grinds to it's own multitude of beats. Noise and laughter, horns and the stench of stale beer from the taverns that dot this landscape, all combine to flavor the imagination. From the front main gate to the left and right bleachers, the top of the flagpole to the gum on the sidewalk, every square inch of Wrigley exudes some intangible that only a true Cub fan can ever appreciate. To her legions of fans, Wrigley is home. From the far reaches of the earth, Cub fans talk of her majestic simplicity, her legend and her beloved ivy.

Before going in I double check my ticket and begin a simple ritual that started accidentally years ago. As a boy, I watched Dave Kingman smash a home run so high and far I never thought it would land. I watched as it left the ballpark and bounce off a building across the street. Since then, I look to that spot and smile. Today is no different, and as the smile crosses my face a drag my fingers along the outfield bricks and slip into the bleacher gate, raising my arms for security guards one and two.

Security guards? Here? Please. What a horrible idea, that someone would dare besmirch the sanctity that is Wrigley Field, nay...of the institution that is baseball, with a threat any greater than public intoxication. All for the best, I suppose. But still...
Now inside, the moment of truth. Right field, or left. Purists will tell you that this is never a question...a true fan chooses this early on in his life and that becomes as important as any ritual here. For some, this is true, but for me another factor comes into play...nostalgia.

A few years a go Jill and I sat left field and watched the Cubs clinch the wildcard. We met some great folks, watched and amazing game and had one of the greatest outings in our history together. Left field has its place etched in my mind, but not tonight...tonight felt right field, and so up the ramp I went, stopping for the important first Beer of the evening. Finally able to take a deep breath, the moment I look forward to the most at each game is only moments away. I turn and continue up the ramp, noting that the old girl could use some paint here and there. And at least one "I" beam has been rusted through for as long as I can remember. The cheering gets louder and I take a good swig off the top foam of my beer and soak in the moment...

Stepping into the dimming sunlight from the dark recesses of any ballpark can be a cathartic experience, but at Wrigley, It's pure freaking magic. As the expanse of the greenest, most perfectly manicured grass on the face of the earth widens in my view, the the noise from the crowd becomes fully appreciated. I step to the side and stare out across the diamond. As the National Anthem plays I give the old girl a once over. Things have changed quite a bit...but not too much. Not yet anyway. Above the crowd on either side of the park hang a pair of huge computerized score boards, replacing the older analog kind. The neighborhood is practically all new, with rooftop clubs on every building across from a good view. The Torco sign, once seemingly part of Wrigley, has been replaced with a rather obnoxious beer billboard referring to some curse or another. And then theres the flag waving from the left field foul pole. "RON SANTO" it says...and a number 10...perhaps one of the best additions ever made to this grand old park.

But none of that matters right now, for at this moment...the Chicago Cubs are taking the field, and we have a game to play. I take a long, deep drink of my beer, set it down and applaud as thay race to thier positions. It's a perfect day turning into a perfect night, and My sweet sickness is going full force...Cub fans..."let's play two!"
-K

Hey, Look..Ryne Sandberg!!! Well, sorta. 

Celebrating my birthday, that's where! 

Me on the left, and my buddy, Jeff