A Festivus for the rest of us!

"I find tinsel distracting"
Frank Costanza

'Tis the season, folks. Time to take pen to paper(does anyone do that anymore?) once again and draft up another long winded diatribe about the family, kids, job and any other witless commentary for the reading pleasure of extended family members whom I only keep in touch with by...you guessed it..
THE CHRISTMAS LETTER OF DOOOOOM!!!!
Moments from now I shall lock myself away in the secret family vault, turn on the exhaust fan and begin to pontificate at great length. Shortly therafter I plan to get to work on the letter BUT, until then, here's LAST YEAR'S letter for your enjoyment. If this doesnt just STINK of holiday spirit I dunno what does. Merry Christmas, humans!

12/20/03
Happy Holidays...
This Christmas, add one more thing to be thankful for: Santa is for children and children alone. Things might be different if adults had their way…
NORTH POLE PINK SLIPS HAVE 20,000 SEEING RED
NORTH POLE (REUTERS)-Sat November 29, 04:48 PM ET by Kidcubfan
Santa Claus, the world renowned philanthropist and beloved Christmas season icon, has announced through his legal department that North Pole inc. and their parent company, PolarWireless.com, is shuttering the famed arctic workshop and will begin the layoffs of 19,726 employees immediately after the upcoming holiday season. Blaming a sagging economy, rising manufacturing costs and recent labor disputes, the law firm of Rankin Bass Cornelius says the entire operation will be moved to Mexico by January 16th, 2004. Another source confirms the move, but says while the manufacturing sector will be relocated the home office will remain at the original remote location.
The transition was announced last Wednesday during an emergency union meeting called by Hermey Elf, president of NOME local 1225. NOME, or National Organization of Magical Elves, stated in a letter that the locals had long suspected recent decisions to sell the family owned business and naming rights to corporate interests had been just the beginning of many changes to the ancient institution. “It stinks. Just plain and simple, it stinks” said Hermey in a statement after the announcement. “We bust our little butts for a couple hundred years, and this is the thanks we get. Ho-ho-ho my [expletive deleted]”
Other critics of the decision picketed outside the front gates of the famed village well into the night, until freezing temperatures moved the protest indoors. Some attending the rally said they weren’t surprised at all. “We saw this coming thirty, forty years ago maybe” Said Clem Calhoun, a former Santa’s helper. “I told ‘em way back, no kids like that hand carved stuff anymore. They all want that electronic garbage and whatnot, but he [Santa] wouldn’t listen. He canned me on the spot. Just as well, he pays next to nuttin’ anyway.”
A. Bominable, head of security for the company, also claimed Santa’s problems started in the late sixties, but placed the onus on the elves themselves. “The little guys couldn’t get it together and the work suffered. Aside from using genetically altered red-nosed freaky reindeer every time it got foggy, we were churning out jelly filled water pistols, trains with square wheels, dolls with psychological issues, and these Jack-In-The-Boxes named Charlie, for Pete’s sake. We even had one little guy get so fed up he quit to become a dentist or something. I never liked that guy, we had a run in once, and nothing was ever the same since.”
Sebastian H. Miser of North Pole Investments placed the blame squarely on a poor business model.
“You have on one hand a factory that handles over nine and a half billion requests for products every year, which is a good thing, but on the other hand you have no revenue whatsoever.” Recent financial reports listed milk and cookies as the only known source of income.
“Balderdash!” said Hermey of both claims. “We never had any revenue before, non profit all the way. This is all about selling out to corporate interests. But I don’t think this will go through now that the word is out. I’ve seen worse, way worse. I was there for the ‘misfit toy years’… I was a ‘misfit’ myself, but we pulled through. And as far as the dentist comment goes, I gave it my best shot, but I’d like to see anyone who’s three feet tall make it in that profession. At least I have something to fall back on if we do close this shop for good. I can’t say that for most of these guys.”

In an unrelated incident that same day, PeTA members protested the “captivity” of Santa’s famed flying reindeer outside the enchanted village, saying that “slave labor” sends the wrong message to children around the world. One PeTA member, Alfalfa Burkenstock, had stripped nude in -20 degree weather and displayed signs reading “Santa hurts animals” and “If GOD wanted reindeer to fly he would have given them WINGS!” Mr. Claus himself could not be reached for comment.