The Rules of Getting Lost

​At some point, TWD was the greatest thing on tv. At another point, it became the same episode season after season. But somewhere between the first and 36th season, I wrote a fanfic about “little asskicker”. I wanted to puzzle out what being a kid in a post apocalyptic world would look like. Forget about waiting for the street lights to come on before going home, never mind stranger danger…there had to be other rules that were far more important to follow…

The Rules Of Getting Lost

Chapter one:

Dreams

"I'm running again, but I'm laughing, so thats ok. That's really good. And I see a pool! This swimming pool even has water, it's green water and it has sparkles. If I run fast enough I bet I can jump and touch the clouds and fall into the pool. Daddy said water in a pool splashes up high and all over so thats what I'm going to do. He said you can splash your friends without using your hands even. You just jump. But I cant jump because theres a noise and it's behind me. And I have to pee. So I have to stop running. And I have a rifle now anyway so maybe next time" SNAP!

Judith opened her eyes, held her breath, and listened. The droning of crickets and night sounds faded away as she focused on the air around her. It was damp, and morning felt near, but it was still dark purple outside, and the clouds hid the moonlight so much that it made it hard to focus her eyes through the twigs and brush she piled to hide her while she slept. 

"When you wake up, never move, kid, don't even yawn. Just stay still until you know you are safe." Uncle Daryl's voice had played in her head all day long, and now even in the middle of the night. "When you know your safe, move a little,it's ok to make a little noise, but if you have to run, run fast." 

Judith was so focused on listening and trying to remember the rules that she hardly noticed she had been sucking her thumb in her sleep. "EW!" she groused. In the cloudy moonlight she could see one little pink thumb surrounded by 4 filthy fingers. "Icky" She whispered, and tried to scrape the taste from her mouth with her dirty palm. 

Once she felt it was safe enough, she softly pushed the brush from her face and poked her head up to get a better look. Big trees and little trees surrounded her, and behind her three trees that grew close together made her something to snuggle up to. Uncle Daryl said you should find something that made it hard to get 'sneaked up' on, and to her the three trees looked like a family. The poppa tree was big and fat and had a bump on the bottom that she could wiggle under in case it rained, and the momma tree had two branches like arms that stuck straight out. From those she could hang her "find-ya's". 

The baby tree was smaller and not as wide as the other two, but had a place to hide her pack perfectly in a hole at the bottom. "Hi" she said to the baby tree softly. She smiled and said "was I making a lot or a little noise?" The baby tree didnt answer,or smile back, but that was ok, it was busy keeping watch for her. At least that was how she imagined it. If SHE were a big strong tree, she'd do the same for a little girl who snuggled next to her. And like Aunty Michonne said, "you gotta do for others kindness if you want kindness back."

That was a rule. Well, it maybe wasn't a "real" rule, not one of Uncle Daryl's, but Judith wanted it to be a rule, so she added it to the list in her head. Uncle Daryl probably wouldn't mind, especially if she asked him nicely. She leaned up against the baby tree and looked around again, this time focusing on the barn in the valley below, still nothing moving. Uncle Daryl's voice began to speak again, and another rule began to play. He had lots of them, and they spent lots of time remembering them. Mostly on the swing, or when they went squirrlin' together. Some rules were simple, others were too big, like how to clean guns and the rules about rifles he never told because that was for when she was bigger. Some rules scared her, some were silly and fun, but this rule, the rule she was living, this one scared then and scared her now. She closed her eyes and breathed big puffs like daddy said and didn't cry. Morning was coming soon, and she could start a newer day, like Aunty called it, but for now it was time to watch, and wait. 

Chapter two:

Remembers

"Let's go over it again okay?" Daryl pushed another cigarette in his mouth and lit it with his Zippo. Judith loved the clink it made when it flipped open, and when he snapped it closed with a flick of his wrist. He leaned forward on his handlebars and stared at her through the hair covering his face. "Well?' he said, snorting out smoke from his nose."

"Do I have to? Again?"

"Hell yeah ya little turd! Start from ther beginning. Rule one. Lets go, I aint got all damn day, shit."

His voice trailed off at the end but she let nothing slip. "I'm telling daddy you're a pottymouth"

"He knows." Daryl tried not to smile but they way she stiffened up when she she scolded him reminded him of her mother. Lorry had a way of cutting through the bullshit and getting right to the point. Darryl hated that, she was unflappable and every damn time he needed to be in his own head she'd be there to pull him out, throw him down and stomp his nonsense like it was a candle. He hated it, and he missed it. 

"Awright take it easy kid. Tell them to me. What are the rules" Judith folded her arms and stomped. "FINE!" she yelled as loud as she could. "RULE ONE MAKE FIND-YAS!"  RULE TWO NEVER..." 

"NO!" Daryl yelled back. It startled Judith and she ended her little girl tantrum and tensed up. Daryl flicked his smoke away and swung his leg over his bike and got to one knee in front of her, grabbing both her elbows tight enough to make her focus on nothing but his face inches from hers. "You think I'm jokin? YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" Judiths eyes began to well up but she sniffed the emotion away, shaking her head. "NO CRYIN!" he snapped..."AND FOCUS! RULE ONE! GO!"

"Rule one," she muttered. "Dont get lost, dont wander, and dont leave the house without permission."

"Good, Ok, keep goin'." Daryl stood up slowly and paced in a circle around her, his hands behind his back. He knew he scared her, and he felt bad for a moment, but that passed. He saw kids her age turn. He'd killed kids younger than her. He even once saw an infant, writhing in its crib, blackened by rot, dead from starvation, nothing more than bones. He wanted to end it, but even he couldn't. It was an unholy act,something he let one of the others in the scavanger party do. That wasnt Judith's future. If he had to spook her into understanding that everything had rules now, so be it. 

"Rule two, um..." Judith looked past Daryl at the forest line at the edge of the compound. "Stay put, stay hidden,"

"Yep,good...three?"

"If I gotta move, go to the woods and make two find-yas where I enter, and move the way the sun goes or leave find yas if I turn. But follow the sun first."

"That's what direction?" 

Judith thought for a second, then held up her hand and touched her fingers trying to remember her compass directions. It's west. Go west?"

"You askin' or tellin?"

"It's west" she scowled.

"If you can't go west? What are your choices?" 

"UGH!" This was where she always got tripped up. She sat on the grass and closed her eyes and tried to remember Carols song. She started to sing softly, then began to remember and sang a little louder. "It goes...um...West is the best, but only unless, I'm not being chased wherever, Then east to the..."

Daryl folded his arms and shook his head, trying to hide the smile creeping up on him.

"No wait! Then north to the river or east to the barn, but south is never never never!" 

Daryl took a long drag from his smoke and stomped the butt under his boot. "Carol teach you that shi...um...that stuff? song? whatever?"

"Yes.Can I play now?" 

"Lemme see yer find-ya's first." 

Judith popped up and picked out two sticks from the grass. "Okay, like this?"

"No man, real ones, when you first go in. Green ones. Like that bush." Daryl pointed to an apple tree Carol had transplanted by the edge of the garden. 

"Not that one it's a baby silly!Dont break baby sticks! These ones are better!" Judith pointed to a few tomato plants instead. Daryl shrugged, and Judith walked inbetween them both.  "So if this is the forest and I go in..." Carefully, she bent the stalk on the left one. "Yeah, Ok, but which way you gonna turn?" Daryl scoffed."

"I ain't done!" she protested,spinning around on her heels. She turned back, and did the same to the opposite plant, this time breaking the stalk completely."

"Left!" she commanded, then thought for a moment. She looked at both plants, pantimimed turning in the direction of the bent one, then agreed with herself. "Yes, left!"

"Then what?"

"I break sticks along my way and let them hang."

Darly scooped her up, and kissed her cheek. "Thats our little ass kicker!. Hey? Whats the last rule?"

"Last? we didnt do the others yet?"

"Tomorrow. We got more to do tomorrow, but you gotta help me with my bike too. Just tell me the last one."

"It's the most important one, uncle Daryl." Judith said, holding a finger in the air as if she were reciting a campaign promise "The last rule is, if I follow these rules, you'll always find me!"

"Damn straight kid." 

"Pottymouth!" 

Chapter Three

Hide and seek

As the sun rose so did the noises of the forest. Roosters in the distance, birds in the trees, all of it could attract walkers. Judith made her find-ya's toward the barn, kissed the baby tree goodbye and set off, keeping low and moving quickly between the natural hiding places on the forest floor. Carol always said she was quick like a squirrel, and they never got caught by walkers, so she pretended to be one. \

She made her way around the forest to the east so that she could see the last side of the barn, the side she didnt see before it got dark the day before, then decided it was safe to move in closer. There were two doors, but she knew the one with the window way up high was always locked, the other was open a little. Nobody fixed it from the storm, and everybody talked about it in the morning campfire safety talks. The clearing between her and the building was mostly tall sawgrass and thistlbrush, still easy to move through but noisy. If anything was in the barn it would hear her coming. Daddy never went to the barn the same way twice so there was no path worn into the grass. Walkers seemed to always roam along pathways, and he didnt want them to wander where they didnt need to be. She hunkered low, and moved along the grass when the breeze blew, then stopped when it became calm. 

Daryl used to call this "being slealthy" and it was how he won hide and seek every time. Once she got to where the grass was low and could no longer cover her, she walked softly, then tiptoed onto the wooden step near the locked door. Her heart was racing, because this was the time somebody always popped out. Daddy would tickle her, Aunty Michonne would say "BOO!" and Daryl? He would just say "gotcha!" or call her a loser. But this wasn't hide and seek anymore. This wasn't a game.

"Okay,"she thought "rules for clearing the barn. Look, listen, tap, run to the other side." She had looked, and so far she had heard nothing. Now was the scary part, tap on the locked door, then run quietly to the open door and look inside. If anything moved, if anything made a sound, run to the woods and start all over again. She set her backpack down, took a deep breath, made a big girl fist like daddy showed her and tried to bang on the door three times, but with the first blow the door swung open with a loud creak and something inside scurried across the floor and ended with a loud crash of broken glass. Judith screamed, grabbed the doorknob and pulled it shut but it only banged open again, this time even wider, and as she turned to run she tripped over her backpack, landing with a thud on the grass outside. She stood again as panic filled her chest. Her knee was bleeding, and she knew if it was a "young" walker, one that had recently turned, it could smell her, and it could run. She had no chance, she thought, something was already moving toward the door frame, a slow dragging sound getting louder. She froze, trying to remember what to do. She grabbed a stick nearby in the tall grass and held it like a knife. Rules swirled in her head. Tears filled her eyes and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep from sobbing. She stared at the open door, wiped her face then tried not to scream when the creature finally came to the door. It peered out at her with black eyes, and bared it's yellow teeth, then turned and disappeared inside again. Judith wiped her tears then stood and grabbed her backpack. She took a look around and wiped her eyes again. "No crying" she said to herself. She opened her pack and pulled out a torn hankercheif and wrapped it around her knee. "I'm not good at tying, I wish Carol was here."  She reached back into her pack and pulled out a small slice of deer jerky. She walked toward the barn , looked behind her one last time, then slipped inside and quietly closed the door behind her.

Chapter four

The Forgotten

Coming soon?

GOT Finale, How it should have ended

I was not disappointed by ALL of the last episode, but at least one huge dangling meatball was mishandled badly by the writers. Jon’s story arc and The way Jon offs Dani is pure paperback Romance novel formula Garbage.
Leaving almost everything about the episode the same, I’ve decided to rewrite that scene as I would have liked to see it- here you go internet.

The massive pile of rubble began to stir in front of Jon. Drogon uncurled his body and snarled at the small man before him.
Jon stepped forward and placed a hand gently on the dragons snout, it’s razor sharp teeth flashing as the monster sniffed around him. Drogon stood, unfurled it’s wings, stepped back and took to the air with a rush of wind pushing Jon back. He watched the beast rise and circle the ruins of the castle before him. He drew his broadsword, stepped into the entry and began to climb to the throne room above.
Dani stood before the Iron throne, the ashes from the fires below drifting down all around her like snow.
She traced the edges of the swords hammered together to form the royal monument to her fathers legacy. She imagined them falling from the hands of defeated enemies. She wondered how many thrones could be made from all the swords of all the armies she’s defeated. A hundred?
“As a girl, I was told this throne was made from a thousand swords, she said aloud, as Jon stepped from the shadows of the broken archway.
“Can you imagine what I envisioned? A girl who couldn’t yet count to twenty? I imagined a pile of swords reaching to the sky.”
She turned to face Jon. She noticed his drawn sword, it’s tip resting on the ground before him. He was seething.
She smiled as Drogon roared above their heads, circling.
“I don’t advise drawing a sword on your Queen, Jon Snow.”
“You WERE my Queen, Dani. I followed you to this moment. We all did. But this? This isn’t what you promised. This isn’t what you wanted.”
Dani’s smile disappeared. “This is exactly what I wanted.”
“The queen of ashes?!” Jon screamed
“The Queen and rightful heir to my fathers throne!”
“Are you?”
“Oh, I see, she said. So you’ve decided it is yours after all. That’s a shame then. I will remind you, while you were born to inherit it, I am the one who’s EARNED IT!”
“At what cost,Dani? Have you seen what you’ve done? Have you walked the ruins? You murdered thousands. Innocents! BABIES!. The unsullied are slaughtering Lannister soldiers in the streets at this moment and for what?
To rule over ashes? You said you didn’t want this Dani, to be queen of the ashes, and you’ve lied even to yourself.“
Dani turned to the throne and sat, gently placing her hands on its arms.
Her stone expression told Jon everything he needed to know, everything he had feared. She had no intention of ever stopping what was started. She would march her unsullied to every city and burn every village until she felt her fathers justice was met, even if it was her own kingdoms she destroyed. She had no intention of letting any perceived threat live, including him. She had become the Mad-Queen, in every horrifying way, and the Iron Throne was the only thing she cared about.
Jon stepped toward her, and immediately Drogon landed behind him with a crash, creeping forward and growling. Jon stopped, raised his broad sword before her, and threw it at her feet.
“I want nothing Dani, I never wanted this. I’ve come to realize there is a difference between what we want- and what is right. This isn’t right. I love you, and I can forgive you, but you must give up that throne and leave. Leave your army, leave your claim to the throne. I will protect you from here, but you can never return.” Dani’s smile returned slightly, amused by Jon’s threat.
“Dani please, I’m begging.”
Dani stood. “I’m sorry Jon, but this is where we say goodbye. For acts of treason against this throne I, Danarys Stormborn, First of Her Name, sentence you to die!
Goodbye, Jon...”
Drogon reared back and roared , the massive furnace in his gullet licking flames from the sides of his neck. Jon stood motionless with the beast behind him, his face twisted with anger, but before Dani could utter the last word so many men before had heard as their last,
Jon said it first...
“DRACARYS!”
Dani looked at Drogon in horror, and before she could even scream
the dragon leveled its massive head at her and unleashed its hellish fury. Dani was blown back into the Iron Throne, the force of the blast crushing her bones against it. As the crown of swords melted around her head, Jon could see the life fade from her shocked expression.
Drogon continued until only a glowing slab of molten steel remained, forever entombing the last mother of dragons. When it was over, Jon stepped forward, picked up his broadsword and laid it on top of the flaming slag.
“The throne is yours.”

Tyrion heard the footsteps in the hallways and wondered why there weren’t more. The guards bringing him to his execution should have been marching, and when Jon opened the door he stared in disbelief.
“She’s gone.” Jon said somberly.
“I see. And you?” Tyrion asked. “Do we have a new King?”
“For now. Send word to all, you will need to gather the heads of every house and decide who is to be king from now on.”
“But you...”
“I don’t want it Tyrion. I’ve told you as much. I’m abdicating the throne once the unsullied are off and a new King is chosen.”
“Where will you go?” Tyrion asked.
“North. Beyond Winterfell.”
“You’re taking the Black?”
“Beyond. It’s where I belong. There’s no need for the wall now. The wars are over, all of them. The next king will need to ensure that”
Jon handed Tyrion the Pin of the Hand.
“I don’t want this” Tyrion protested.
“Get used to it, it’s yours. That’s my first command.”
Tyrion placed it on his lapel and bowed. “As you wish, my Lord.”
Outside,Drogon could be heard in the throne rooms ruins. A thunderous noise was followed by his wings beating the air. Jon and Tyrion watched as he flew off over the sea, the remains of the throne and Dani ripped from the stone in its talon.
“It knew?” asked Tyrion. “It knew you were Targaryen, it...how...”
“Questions for the Maester to ponder, I suppose” Jon said, and led Tyrion to the doorway.

Ken Anderson
2019

Jacksonville detail, oct 6-? 2017

Hurricane Irma, you nasty bitch!
My friend and work buddy Mike and I volunteered to help with hurricane cleanup in the Jacksonville Fla area. This is the third week of a proposed 6 week detail, and I will be flying home for a visit this Friday. It’s been a decent trip so far although I’m very homesick. In my absence, the kids got a puppy we named Ivy. I can’t wait to meet her, she looks adorable. As for highlights so far, the weather was terribly hot but we can wear shorts down here. The holiday inn express we are at has a strip mall down the street and we have been fortunate enough to have places to eat that aren’t fast food 24/7.
The people are great, the wildlife wants to kill you and the churning up of the swamp from the tidal surge leaves the rural areas stinking. More to come after the trip home.

Kiddos

The kids,  this year.  And the kids I work with. 

WHY SO SERIOUS???

If you want to make a great impression with the football dads in town, and show your son who's boss at the same time, pick him up from a Halloween party wearing this.

Halloween,2014

Much better!!!
But, Mary picks again next year.

Come on,iron man!!!

The Walking Dead

Abraham Ford, Axl, 

T- Dog and Lizzie. 

IronE was awesome. Brighton? Sweet kid. For a psycho. 

Super Hello Kitty Man!

Mary wanted to be hello kitty for Halloween, fine, not my favorite but it's her thing. Until it became my thing. While looking for costume ideas online, the girls stumbled across a photoshopped picture of superman from the latest reboot. He had been turned pink, his S replaced with a Hello kitty logo, all while posing like a super hero rock star. It was a belly laugher, but my goal was to get Mary's Hello Kitty costume built. After a month of trial and error, a costume too big for her head was scrapped and after spending 5 times the amount on raw materials than I would have on a costume...I gave up and purchased a cute outfit for her off the rack. But I still had her poorly fitting styrofoam head. Fit me fine, as it turns out. And I had spray paint. And the party store sold a cape and tights. SO... On a rain soaked miserable October 31- 2013, I donned my outfit, met up with neighbors bearing adult hot chocolate, and escorted our littlest door to door under a pink umbrella. To quote the comic book guy-

Best. Halloween. ever!

 Next year? Thank Java I have a year to think.

MICHONNE'S PETS!

HELLO TWD FANS!!!
Last Halloween, I got the bug to build my own enormous, giant, incredible THE WALKING DEAD front yard display.
I only got as far as this...and collecting all the NERF guns in the house for painting...but it's a start. For those of you who have the time, inclination and ability, here's a few shots of what you can do on the cheap. And I have an idea of how it can be finished...at the end. Hope these ideas help, and I'd LOVE to see the final results you come up with!
Materials:
Styro-wig heads 2 male, 1 female (unless YOU want to be Michonne!) Spray paints of various colors, a rough saw (like a drywall saw),Xacto knive,a braided or dreadlock wig, some fake teeth and fake eyeballs.

Step 1. Hobby Lobby or most other craft stores have these great Styrofoam wig heads. I found these in the same store, 2 male and more "female" model. NOTE: The male heads are very "Clark Kent" looking, hardly the emaciated Zombie pets we all know and love. Don't worry, you will pretty them up in a jiffy!

Step 2. Get some spray paint,(rattle cans for our U.K. friends)- small cans will work great since you wont need much. I used 2 shades of brown and some black, blue, yellow and red all of which were laying around the Zombie workshop. Did I say workshop? I meant garage. Did I say garage? I meant shed.
You wont need any particular skills with painting or artistic background for the next step, in fact the more random you are the better!

Step 3. Pick up some fake teeth and, if you can find them, some plastic eyeballs. It's Halloween...Shouldn't be too hard.

Step 4. MAKE ZOMBIES! Start with the male heads, these will be the "Pets." Using the drywall saw, cut a horizontal slit along the lips about 2-3 inches deep, leaving the top lips intact. I used the drywall saw since it gave a rough jagged cut. Next, cut a few vertical slits from the chin up to the lips cut you made. Then, using your fingers, start tearing away the Styrofoam in chunks. NOTE: This is MESSY! Small pits of polystyrene get everywhere. Do this in a place thats easy to clean up, and have a small vac nearby.

Step 5. Add some trauma, gouge out the eye sockets to make room for the eyeballs, chop off the nose ala Michael Jackson, OR...spray them black for a sunken effect.
Use the saw to make some slashes in the skin, be creative, it's really YOUR pet afterall...

Step 6. Spray paint! Ok...Before you begin, a words about polystyrene and spraypaint. The Styrofoam will bubble, melt and get gooey depending on how liberally you use it. This IS A GOOD THING! You are making a Zombie...let the properties work to your benefit. THIS IS NOT THE CASE FOR MICHONNE!!! Shes a beauty with a nice complexion...keep her that way! If you are painting her, use VERY LIGHT passes with the spray.You might even want to experiment with other paints, like latex. I have not used them so I can't tell you how it will work.

As for the Zombies, you can go nuts. If possible, grab a chunk of Styrofoam from some packaging and practice. Spraying a bunch in one area causes the foam to melt and sink, which you can use around the cheeks and in the jaw cavity.
SPRAY TIPS. Start with the overall skin tone, the brown paint lightly over the whole thing. Then the trauma and the eye sockets by painting them black. Then, over the scars, splotches of blue and yellow for bruising. Black out the missing jaw and add red for blood. Then, let it all dry for a while, and come back and do it all again. The paint will soak in and become flat the first few passes. After it dries, the subsequent layers will hold a better gloss. This is important for the blood!

Using Gorilla glue (careful it foams, use it sparingly) or hot glue, add the teeth. (I actually just pressed by mine into the foam, but they fell out after a good rain)
You now have the basics...the rest is up to you, add blood, bits of flesh, eyeballs (colored white or yellow) go nuts, have fun and HAPPY HALOWEEN!!
Oh, remember when I said I had an idea for the rest of the body? Our local Walgreens has a life size skeleton for sale, sadly it's $50. Way out of my range...but here's what I would do if I could.
Remove the skull and arms, and wrap the rib cage in the shrink wrap window covering sold at hardware stores. Grab a hair dryer and shrink wrap it like thin skin over the ribs. Spray it all with brown, add your head from above and some stuffed jeans and you have 2 perfect pets for your display.
Lucky You!
-Ken

Big brother oh brother

Today marks the day google unifies over 60 separate privacy policies into one all encompassing spy fest. In short, it promises to gather all the information it can from you, from all of its services, this blog included, and use it any way it wants. I am terrified. I deleted my Facebook account yesterday, and now I'm looking into undoing 13 years of Internet surfing.

Bring out your dead!!!

In my lifetime a Zombie apocalypse is most assuredly going to happen, and when it does I shall be ready for it. I say this with the same level of confidence I normally reserve for knowing that if I am ever aboard a commercial flight whereby both pilots have succumbed to Acute Bavarian Diverticulitis, I will be able to ease behind the controls and bring that puppy in, all 200 tons with souls on board unscathed. How? Simple...I own a pirated copy of MS FLIGHT SIM 2003. As far as zombies are concerned, that's mere child's play in comparison. Zombies, (Walkers, for you purists,)are simple creatures with traits that require specific rules of engagement. Once all of those rules are clearly understood, surviving is limited by only ones creativity and preparation. But how does one prepare? Movies. Lot's of 'em.Since the first time I saw Barbara laugh off the warning..."they're coming to get you...!!!" I was hooked on all living dead. I'm far from alone. Zombies seemingly have become the hottest cold cut the little shop of horrors we call Hollywood has to offer, and based on all things undead out there, we don't seem to be leaving the menu any time soon. YUM! I have been wondering lately why zombies seem to be so popular, and I have a theory. We can probably thank sexy vampire movies with stories revolving around horny supernatural monster teens trying to get in the pants of vapid valley girl ho-bags. Team Dumbass, anyone? For the rest of us post pubescent non female types, zombies not only appeal to us on a horror level but fend off any wandering interlopers from the Twilight camp with an effective display of shotgun blasts, splattered blood and rotting flesh. It's a win win, and operates on the same principal as offensive odors emanating from one's man cave. Enter at your own risk.Zombie flicks have come a long way since the original life challenged wobblers first whined for "Braiiiinnnnnsssss..."in the 60's. With each movie borrowing or expanding on a previous idea, zombies have evolved, devolved and changed countless times, with few exceptions, but almost all are defined by the following rules. 1. Zombies may not all eat brains to survive, but they do need them to walk. A head shot is the only way to take one down.2. They were dead before zombification, and not just Princess Bride "mostly dead", but dead-dead. 3. They infect others with a bite, usually while trying to eat the victim.4. Zombies attack the living only...not each other. 5. Loosely placed boards over windows and doors can keep them out of buildings.* 6. They must eat constantly, and are never not hungry. 7. All zombies are mindless...devoid of emotion or reasoning. (* All makeshift barricades will fail over time. Usually moments after a plan is hatched to escape the building before they get in. ) Luke and I spent this fall eagerly awaiting Sunday evenings, when we could turn off the lights, sit on the floor in front of the couch and catch the latest episode of "The Walking Dead" season 2, on AMC. (This was officially season one for Luke, since I had decided it was only right to keep him from such nightmarish images until he was at least 12, or until he could successfully pass level 6 in CALL OF DUTY Modern Warfare/Zombies. Being father of the year? work work work.)Suffice it to say we have been marinating in the rotting entrails of the undead for long enough to know how to handle any world wide outbreak that might spread. Luke is the sniper and weapons expert, (NERF,all models) I have the home front, and the girls? They are in charge of eye rolling and wandering off to catch up on Barbies and Real Housewives. As for the rest; 1. The house...We live inside a Boulder with windows. The outside walls are 10 inch thick formed concrete. Covered in small granulated stone flake, they are solid, abrasive and awesome. Any zombie trying to gnaw his way thru them will be turned to grated zombie Parmesan. 2. The Windows...Standard 2 pane brittle cracked old house glass, incapable of not breaking all by themselves for no good reason, let alone under the strain of hordes of brain munchers. No worries...we have...3. Scrap wood. I have a garage full. As any zombie aficionado is aware, the standard method of sealing off entrances to a residence during a crisis is hurriedly, with a tack hammer, bent rusted nails and scrap wood. Check check and check-4. Duct tape. A few years ago, I took a free CERT course given by homeland security here in Palatine. It was during that class that we learned what all the fuss was about duct tape. Using it to seal off cracks in the windows and doors keeps out any potential gasses and viruses let loose accidentally or by terrorists. Since BOTH are the preferred method by which all zombie apocalypses start...we are safe. I have 40 rolls.Now it's simply a matter of waiting for it all to go down...and when it does, look for us to be on the roof, giddily taking out the neighborhood, one walker at a time.

Cleveland, Ohio

Cleveland is a strange and depressing place. People seem to move about the city with sort of a bewildered amble, as if they can't believe they got left behind. There is no polish here. It is rust stained concrete and old timey looking store fronts. There are loading docks and warehouses and mismatched architecture and weeds. It reminds me of my grandfathers basement workshop in a way. A lot of old but useful and needful things, hoping to be remembered. Faded signs and ancient streetlights hang overhead. Below, cracked pavement and patched potholes obscuring traffic lanes. Some of the streets wind around small valleys which seem to promise a view as you approach, then pull a bait and switch when you arrive and show instead the skeletons of some industry left to decay. There are car shops and muffler shops and submarine sandwich places everywhere, broken up by the occasional shot and a beer joint. Kids leaving school do so in a hurry, loudly bypassing the playgrounds and disappearing into the folds of the neighborhood. There may be a vibrant nightlife here, but it was planted here, like a pacemaker in a damaged heart. Nothing here is dying, but nothing feels really alive.

Farewell Steve Jobs

And thank you...

Bridgets. 9th B day sleepover

D R A M A. omg

Merry Christmas!!!


Yep, the card is late…sorry, it seems to get later every year.
Next year’s Christmas card will come around August (right after I send out our 4th of July invitations.)

Hopefully this letter finds you in pre, present or post holiday merriment and joy! We are doing our best here to keep the meaning of Christmas above the stress and craziness that goes with it all.

We all started the year out with a trip to see the Grand Canyon and catch a pre-season Cub game in Arizona. If you have not yet seen the Grand Canyon, it should be high on the list…”amazing” just doesn’t cut it.

Luke and Bridget are rocking in the report card department, and Mary has graduated to “Destroyer” earning her black belt in ROOM TRASHING and BOOK RIPPING. We are keeping an eye on that development.

This year’s card is a little different. I wanted to share with you one of my favorite things to do, and because of that, this card comes with specific instructions. Before turning this page over, please prepare by completing the following steps.

1. Get a nice hot cup of coffee or tea. (For those of you on the North shore or West coast, you may substitute a Grande double decaffeinated alfalfa mocha latte half-caf or whatever the current popular coffee house nonsense makes ya happy!)

2. Gather the current newspaper, find your favorite place to sit on a quiet afternoon, spread the paper all around your feet and read the funnies. Include these funnies. This is a collection of some memories and moments from the past year, in funny pages format. I always hear we should be in the funny pages…so be it!

3. Fall asleep.

(EXTRA CREDIT) When you’re done, and it’s time to clean up the Christmas clutter-give this to the kids to color, fold into Christmas origami, start a Yule log… hey it’s your card, make something up!

4. Have a Merry Christmas, and a wonderful New Year. Our wish for you is that you always find ways to smile, and laugh at yourself. (We will continue to laugh at you. Laugh…and point.)

Love…Ken, Jill, Luke, Bridget, Mary and…no that’s it…ANDERSON!

R.I.P. Mr. Santo

Today the Chicago Cubs lost thier biggest fan, and Cubs fans lost the best ally they ever had to ward off the 100+ year blues.
Thanks Ron, for your charity, your selfless work for JDRF, and for your inspiration.
Thank you mostly...for the laughs!

From one die hard to another...

A New Brew Review: Saint Bridgets Porter

I guess it's time to take my beer snobbery to a new level...Brew Reviews. Why the hell not? Afterall, most reviewers have not the first, slightest clue about what they are reviewing. (Okay, thats MY opinion, and this being MY blog, my opinion is all that matters. Deal.) That being said, since I have no expertise in all matters beer, (aside from a family history of over indulgers and a spanking beer belly starter kit,) I'd say I'm perfectly within my rights to give you a well balanced review. And let's be real, if what I type can get you to TRY a nice IPA instead of a case of MGD 64 or some other GOD AWFUL SWILL...then my work here is done. Until another beer comes my way.

SO HERE GOES KIDS...MY FIRST BREW REVIEW!
NAME:SAINT BRIDGET'S PORTER
TYPE:(ROBUST)PORTER
BREWER:GREAT DIVIDE BREWING COMPANY
DOM/IMP:DOMESTIC,DENVER
COLD/WARM:COLD
BOTTLE/CAN/GLASS/OTHER:GLASS
WEBSITE: http://www.greatdivide.com/

SNOB REVIEW: Porter's , or stout beers, are not my favorites for a few reasons. Dark, peppery or chocolaty notes are hard to pair with anything for me, especially cold which is how we Yanks drink 'em. Secondly, porters are heavy, slow beers that don't lend well to pounding, and have a hard time following each other at all. (Okay unless you are a soccer hooligan. I'm not.) Most porter's I have tried have a flat finish and dead weight along with the dark root beer coloring. This beer did however stand out just a little. Very little head, dark body and open airy aroma on pour were all present, but the harsher notes were not at first sip. A pleasant, clean, malty finish that almost disappears after a sip or a slug. Most beers with that nature are watery or cheap, but this was not in the least. It simply has a full body with little left to say afterwards. I'd pair this with BBQ ribs or a nice steak and taters, or maybe a swordfish. I'd be careful with chicken, despite what the label suggests.
Overall rating: 7 out of 10
REGULAR GUY REVIEW.
This is one of those "black" beers, like Guinness. It smells kinda skunky and taste's like licorice a little bit. Big chugs taste bitter, so you should sip it until you get used to the taste. You'll want to look like you know what your doing if you order one up, so get it in a glass, because no matter how cold the damn thing is it'll taste warm in a bottle. Tilt the glass slightly and pour quick, the foam wont pop up too much.
SHOT PAIRINGS: Jagermeister. Chugability: 1 out of 5


OTHER/SPECIALS:According to the label, St. Bridget was the patron Saint of Ireland known for transforming her bathwater into beer for thirsty clerics. This may explain the silhouette of a curvy girl dancing on the label. Why, I have no idea.

The Luke and Billy show!

WHAT A GAME!!! WHAT A GAME!!! WHAT A GAME!!! DATELINE; JUNE 29TH, PALATINE IL
WHITE SOX VS. ORIOLES
Memories are sometimes made from moments that appear in the blink of an eye. The video below is only 30 seconds long, but it shows 30 seconds that will stay with us for a lifetime. It's a grainy, shaky video of a baseball game played June 29th during the Palatine "World Series" game. Billy, Lukes best friend, had reached first base on a walk and proceeded to steal second, then third!. "Thats a start!" we called...one run was all we needed! It was the bottom of the eighth, extra innings for little leage. A few seconds before the video was shot, I was scrambling to get the phone from my pocket and turn on the recorder. "LUKE HAS ANOTHER CHANCE!" his aunt reminded me. ANOTHER! It suddenly hit me...I turned to reply, and noticed the crowd had doubled. The other baseball games had ended, curious coaches and parents strolled over to see the end of the big game. Some of Luke's past coaches were there, "What's the score? Who's at the plate? Tied? Wow, exciting game!..." Exciting was an understatement. The sox had taken and lost an early lead, and watched the other team steadily add runs. But in the 5th Billy made an awesome double play at third, and in the 6th they started a comeback. With bases loaded and 2 strikes, Luke had plinked one up the middle. Two were in, the score was tied, and I strutted over to Jill..."He did it! He tied the game!" I was beaming. Nothing else could have made me more proud, afterall he had told me he was nervous before he got to the plate. I suppose he had reason to be nervous, his Grandpa was watching, too. Grandpa,or 'Coach' as his kids still call him, had been working with Luke on his swing. He had put what he had learned to good use. If nothing else happened, I couldn't have been happier for him. Now all we hoped for was an extra innings win! LUKE HAS ANOTHER CHANCE!" was ringing in my ears. I scrambled for my cell phone, there at Home plate was my son, watching a kid fire fastballs at him like a pitching machine. "VOOM! BALL ONE! VOOM! STRIKE ONE!" It had become very quiet, I clicked record. 'VOOM..STRIKE TWO!"- "Yer swingin' early Luke! Yer swingin' early! his teammates chanted. "EYE ON THE BALL BUDDY! KEEP YER EYE ON THE BALL...

MAYHEM!!!! "THAT'S MY BOY!!!" I called... I don't remember how far the ball went, or where it landed...30 feet, 430 feet...it didn't matter. A sweet "PING" and the ball dropped before it was touched somewhere up the middle... Billy chugged across home plate and turned to mob Luke with the rest of the team. One of Lukes coaches slapped me on the back "GET OUT THERE!" he said... I met him at the fence, wanting to grab him and hug him and squeeze him and embarass him...but settled for a hair ruffle and slap on the butt. His smile said everything, and he saved his big hug for his Grandpa, "Coach", sitting in the front bleachers. A few moments later, the Ump handed Jill the game winning ball. "Mrs. Anderson, this belongs to you." Tears all around. 30 seconds are on the video...but the moments I never captured will stay with us forever. Luke was over it by the next day, there was a summer of fun out there, and he and Billy had plans, and both of them were done answering questions, but I suppose that's how it's supposed to work. Every time I bring up the hit, Luke reminds me of the run...It was Billy who got crossed the plate, afterall. Congrat's to the Palatine 5th grade White Sox! You ALL made us proud!

Faboo

Down with the Flu...boo hoo.
Luke and I both got whalloped. So much for not being sick all year.

I have the urge to start bloggin' again, and once I think of something to say I will. Until then, chicken noodle soup, sleep, and NyQuil dreams await...